GAY CINEMA: LEECHES!

From the minute the campy font for LEECHES! starts, with its bubbling water and swaying letters, you might think that David DeCoteau and crew all knew what they were doing. But as anyone who has watched DeCoteau's work know, it never really lands right. Having made over 75 feature films, DeCoteau has managed make a name for himself in the direct to video genre, taking on monsters, serial killers and aliens. And it seems there are two things that David DeCoteau really likes. He loves gross out moments and cock.



The plot is simple. Like really simple. LakeCrest College (with a student body of about 30 kids) has a problem. The swim team is taking performance enhancers and they all hang out by the river. A couple of the guys who have abused the "pumpers" the most go for a swim and come out covered in Leeches. They pick them off each other in the gym shower and the leeches escape into the sewers. Now, bigger and badder than ever, the leeches want more blood and boys in speedos seem to be their favorite target.

A film like this can go both ways. It can be straight up camp or if the director had a flare from the less obvious, you could pull off a really fun horror film while keeping it all in check that it doesn't go over the campy cliff. Hard to do with the subject matter, but not impossible. But the balance is off from the get go. DeCoteau seems to know what he is doing and going for a campy feel, but the actors are totally serious. Like SILKWOOD serious. And they can't act! Which you think would make it even more campy, but it doesn't. It falls into this world that only David DeCoteau has been able to create. All of his films are like this. Another thing that all of his film's have in common are that they are knee deep in the gayness. The opening shot of the swimmer bending and stretching as the camera follows his every move and muscle, scream GAY! but the next scene is his GIRLFRIEND looking for him! Honey, He is at THE CUFF. The entire cast has had their eyebrows( and I am not talking all three of the girls in the movie) and the entire wardrobe has been sponsored by International Male. I always wondered who bought International Male clothes, now I know.....
Like DeCoteau's dual citizenship with The US and Canada, he seems to have one foot in gay cinema and another in trying to make it un-gay. He tries so hard, that it makes the movie even gayer. Does he know what he is doing? It can't be possible.

Some of my favorite Super Gay Moments in LEECHES!

1. The hunky Italian who climbs out of the river in the hottest swimsuit in the movie,while all the girls go nuts over him.

2.The two guys in their speedos taking showers and picking leeches off each other while almost kissing.

3.One of the PUMPED up leeches attacks a sleeping college student and aims right for his ass, then caresses its way (it's a hand puppet) to the guys mouth and the guy basically performs oral on said leech.

The movie just continues from bad to worst as the cast takes showers in their speedos, the girls talk about their "boyfriends" and a hot nerd discovers the truth and must battle not only the leeches but a lecherous coach and the other members of the swim team.

LEECHES! really wants to have it both ways. It wants to be a horror film for gays (very hard to do cuz we horror movie gays are some picky bitches) and a horror film that the normal demographic (13 year old boys) for horror films would rent. Maybe that explains the girl on the cover. It is a revolutionary idea, but one that must be done with the utmost care and really good insight. LEECHES! has neither and none of DeCoteau's work does either. I really like that he is out there, busting it, but come on, dude. Just let the guys make-out.

GAY CINEMA: BAR GIRLS

Finally....a comedy without MEN! That is what the tag line on the poster for BAR GIRLS reads and it's true. There is only one man in the entire cast and I am not sure what his damage is. All lesbians and lovers of gay cinema know that there is a massive shortage of lesbian films. And an even smaller amount of good lesbian films.
Forget PERSONAL BEST. Forget CLAIRE OF THE MOON. Forget GO FISH. There truly is only one film for the ladies that gives it its all. That film is BAR GIRLS.


From the moment the opening credits start, you know you are in trouble and once you have seen it more than a dozen times, you will recognize that the choir of women singing the opening song is made up of the cast of lovely ladies! A good way to save some money! Unfortunately, the theme song is not "BAR GIRLS, BAR GIRLS WHAT CHA GONNA DO..." which is what i sing while watching this film.

BAR GIRLS has so many problems to rejoice, that i honestly don't even know where to begin...in a nutshell the director and screenwriter blew it big time. The script is based off a stage play (god knows where it played) and is written by the playwright herself. Lauran Hoffman is not able to capture the essence of her characters on the big screen and I hope that she was able to do it on the stage, but I honestly don't see how. I mean, come on...if you are going to make a small indy lesbian film that really tries to capture the feel of Los Angeles gals, then what better time in cinema than 1994 could there be? Honey, this was your only chance....You better bring your A game.

A lot of the problem falls on the shoulders of the lead actor Nancy Allison Wolfe, in her ONLY acting credit. I am not sure if she was the star of the stage play and the jump from stage to screen just didn't fit, but she has got to be one of the most unlikeable and annoying characters in a movie ever. Just about every line she delivers fall flat and comes out like she just read over the script, but cranked to level 10 on the emotions chart. It feels like she has been sitting off camera, thinking about the most horrible things to pull up some emotions and then ends up like a deer caught in headlights when the camera starts rolling. With her "New York sense of humor" she is suppose to be our center in the crazy world of lesbian girl bars in the early 90's. She does have a good trying on outfits montage and she is suppose to be kinda a sexy sex bomb of a gal. But she flirts with girls and then delivers lines like, "It takes me a while to warm up to someone sexually." Oh Jesus.
Then she breaks the fourth wall and talks into the camera. I'm like, "Is this bitch talking to me?"

And then enters Fake Rae Dawn Chong. I can't even remember what her name is in the movie, because I just call her Fake Rae Dawn Chong. I try to imagine that it is the real RDC playing herself. Like when someone ask her what she has been up too, she says, "Oh, I just had a three episode story arch on Melrose Place." She is sorta love able in a muppet-esque kinda way. She and Nancy Allison Wolfe start flirting with each other, but Nancy Allison Wolfe is in a relationship and Fake Rae Dawn Chong is married to a man, which she tries to explain and I swear doesn't make any sense. After a sexy car chase and a dance routine lit by headlights ala TO DIE FOR trailer with Nicole dancing to "Dirty Laundry", the two gals turn to the audience and watch the movie with us.

I MUST SAY THIS at this point: It is a well documented fact from eye witnesses that this is usually the moment that broke the original audience in the theatres. People left in droves! Demanding their money back and hating themselves for sitting through it. Okay, back to the movie!

There is lots of Drama as all the girls at the bar bed hop and switch partners. None of the ever fuck, they just make love. "The best part of your skin, is that it covers your whole body!" Whenever Nancy Allison Wolfe says this to Fake Rae Dawn Chong, it fully expect her to push her in a homemade well and fatten her up to make a skin dress. A girl cop enters the picture to ruin their relationship and in one of my favorite moments in the entire movie, Nancy Allison Wolfe tells everyone why she hates cops. It ends up sounding like one of those assault reports that a gay gives to the SGN. Lots of details left out. Things that make you go HMMM.....

Toss in my favorite character Annie from Bakersfield "Now she's the aggressor" and a Cartoon! Yes, folks, there is a cartoon. A superhero called Heavy Myrtle, who flys around the city talking about her period. Something they don't show in the trailer! And it isn't even good animation. Like worst than RETURN OF JAFAR shit. And it is suppose to air on a cable channel. THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM.....

BAR GIRLS is not for the faint at heart or for the weak spirit. It is a dark sided journey into contemporary gay cinema that takes a lot from you without giving anything back. It seemed as though BAR GIRLS had a curse. I will call it the BAR GIRLS CURSE. It basically ruined everyone involved. The director and screenwriter went on to do nothing and Nancy Allison Wolfe has disappeared. I hope she is doing well, because she really did go for it in this film and all her dreams of being the voice of the lesbian community got left at the Girl Bar. The only one to remain untouched by the BAR GIRLS CURSE would be CeCe Tsou, who plays Sandy. Now, Sandy is awesome. She steals the movie from everyone with less than 30 lines and she nails the best jokes, all physical too, nothing from the actual script is funny. Just recently, I yelped with joy while watching SPEED again. There was Sandy in the opening sequence trapped in an elevator while Keanu tried to rescue them and you know what...SHE NAILED IT. She recently landed a job on my dad's favorite daytime soaps THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. You GIT IT GIRL!

BAR GIRLS remains one of my all time favorite movies and I can re watch it at any given moment. Even though awfulness hangs on it like a runny nose and it seems to be one of the most charmless films I have ever witnessed, I could watch Fake Rae Dawn Chong read the phone book for an hour and a half.

Hats off to BAR GIRLS. I love you.

70's Cinema: WALKING TALL

"We otta take Sir Lancelot's big stick and shove it up his ass!" I think this quote from the film WALKING TALL explains just how all the moonshiners, pimps, hustlers and general bad folks of a small town in Tennessee feel about their new sheriff.


WALKING TALL is the true story Buford Pusser, an ex-marine/ex-pro wrestler, who decides to give up the seedy world of professional wrestling and move his family back to his hometown in Tennessee. With two screaming kids and his fake Sissy Spacek wife on his side, he is hell bent on making his life better and playing by the rules for a change. "No fighting" he promises to fake Sissy. But we soon learn, that Buford has a hard time playing by the rules and sitting on the sidelines as his hick hometown gets over run by corruption. He breaks one of the many rules for moving back to your hometown. Don't go running around with some old high school buddies if you haven't talked to them in years. It's always bad news. He ends up in the middle of a whorehouse/gambling ring and is beaten up and stabbed over and over. Tossed onto the side of the highway and left for dead, Buford then and there has his "A-HA" moment". Bring them all to justice or KILL EM ALL.

Months later, he represents himself in a trial against those that attacked him and in one of many Joe Don Baker diva moments, he rips his shirt off to reveal countless stab wounds to the jury. He wins and gets elected sheriff, much to the chagrin of fake Sissy Spacek. To please fake Sissy, he does not carry a gun, but a huge stick which he uses to break legs, backs, arms, heads and bust out car windows.

Basically, he fights everyone and wins the hearts of the townspeople and along they way teaches the deputies that going the straight and narrow in law enforcement is much cooler than chilling with the corruption of the county. Then he gets shot over and over and keeps on coming back.

WALKING TALL is all over the place. With a run time of 124 minutes, it runs full steam for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Juxtaposing from campy Hixploitation to gritty hardhitting drama throughout. The scene when Pusser and his deputies capture the spy within the sheriff's department has got to be one of the most insane and suspenseful moments in the movie. Joe Don Baker is such a loose cannon, you actually have no idea what he is going to do to the fella. What happens is not pretty and very unexpected. For the last 45 minutes of WALKING TALL, the movie shifts to a heavy handed drama that basically makes the audience and the actors suffer over and over, then Joe Don Baker gets shot again and this time has to wear a SILENCE OF THE LAMBS mask because he got nailed in the face! The finale is a return to its hixploitation roots and truly is one of the moments in a film that you must see to actually believe it. Baker sells it though.

I have always been a big fan of Joe Don Bake, I always like a sweaty male diva. Somehow had never seen this movie, but I am happy I did. WALKING TALL definitely makes you want to go bust some ass.

70's Cinema: PETE'S DRAGON

Like a Candle on the water, the light that seems to try to shine so brightly from PETE'S DRAGON, gets a little to soggy to hold on to the audience.

PETE's DRAGON was one of those films that i hated to an extreme when I was a kid. Whenever my dad would venture to the video store alone, he would always rent this or POPEYE and then have to hear my sisters and I scream to the top of our lungs that he rented this crap the last time he didn't take us along! My older sister just refused to watch and my younger sister got bored instantly. I tried to muster up the strength to sit through all 129 minutes of it, but I would peter out by the roasted apple scene. Which is a good 20 minutes into it. That is not a good track record. So once i decided to take on the 70's cinema series for part of this blog, I thought, "What a great chance to revisit Pete's Dragon." WRONG.


As far as kiddie movies go, I don't see how a kid could make it through the entire thing. As a family movie, it seems like a movie that just about everyone in the family would hate. I was very excited to get past the roasted apple scene and I actually got to Helen Reddy. Now, Miss Reddy(if you are nasty!) nails this role. She goes for it all the way. She sings, she dances, she acts and she runs the lighthouse! There is one scene where she bust in the local saloon that her drunk dady patrons and goes to town on a barrel. I was shocked and amazed by this scene. It is all singing, all dancing and all Helen Reddy doing her own dancing. Her face is priceless. She is concentrating very hard on not falling off, but there is one minute when she relaxes and she has her "I nailed it" face on! A joy. I actually forgot there was an animated dragon in the movie.

Before Don Bluth exited Disney and decided to create his own animation studio, he designed Elliot the dragon. Who, with his little dragon wings and purple tussled hair, is a pretty cute little critter. The handdrawn animation is jaw dropping and besides a couple of wires here and there, the special effect are still impressive. His conversations with Pete remind me of my conversations with Boris. Elliot gives Pete lots of sage advice in a language that only Pete can understand. Also, Pete is the only one who can see the dragon. Oh, unless you are the town drunk. But nobody ever believes a town drunk. Mickey Rooney plays the town drunk and as a rule of thumb, you should never believe Mickey Rooney.

Pete ends up escaping some hillbilly/swamp folks with Shelley Winters as the mom of the motley crew. Now, what i always love about Shelley Winters, is that she is always ON! Her mind tells her to go for it with every single role, because you never know when you will get nominated for an oscar for supporting actor. And sometimes you even WIN!

This film feels older than 1977 and not in a classic or timeless sort of way. More of like a dated and boring sort of way. Disney went for a MARY POPPINS/BEDKNOBS feel and I kinda got the feeling that PETE'S DRAGON had been kicking around the studio for a good ten years. 1967, this movie would have found a permenant place for some disney lovin', but sadly it just falls flat. Helen Reddy really wants it to work and she does her best, but the songs are way too much and don't move the movie along. Once the music starts, you feel like you are trapped like a wild animal. About the halfway mark I was ready to gnaw off an imaginary leg. I was really hoping Elliot would go on a rampage and start terrorizing the coastal town. Shooting fire out of his nose and gobbling up school children. No such luck. Just more songs.


This movie MUST have some sort of cult following. Crazy Disney nerds, dragon fans, Don Bluth nuts, Helen Reddy junkies. Someone out there must love it.

70's Cinema: HONEYMOON KILLERS

Sometimes there are movies that just fall through the cracks of your life. Movies that once you watch, you can't believe that you never watched it before. I could kick myself for never watching THE HONEYMOON KILLERS until just now.


Mind blowing can't even begin to describe this film. Based on a true life series of murders, THE HONEYMOON KILLERS dramatizes what I think is the ultimate bad romance. Shirley Stoler plays Nurse Martha Beck whose love life is in the toilet. Her personal life revolves around bossing candy stripers. around, gossiping with her best gal pal( Doris Roberts of all people) and wishing her live in mother was dead. It is not the most exciting life to lead. Then she gets a nibble from her lonely hearts correspondence club. The man is Raymond Fernandez and it is love at first sentence. Martha plans an exodus out of her life and plans for a future full of love, happiness and sleaze.

The minute Tony Lo Bianco steps onto the screen, you get it. His portrayal of Raymond "Ray" Fernandez left me breathless. He is so smoldering, you totally understand why all the ladies look past things that should be red flags. Once he realizes that Martha won't let go so fast and could possibly be the only woman that can truly love him, he lets her in on her racket. He meets older ladies, gets them to marry him quick and takes all their money. It is fast, cheap and easy. Posing as brother and sister, the two make a small fortune, leaving a trail of broken lonely hearts club members in their wake.

Martha is fine with the older ladies, but when a younger woman comes into the scheme, she really goes to town. In a scene that can only be described as swimsuit heaven, Ray romances said lady, while Martha promptly sets out to drown herself in the lake. Barely saving her, Ray now realizes just how deep their bad romance runs and what he can do to exploit it.

The rest of the film is a complete downward spiral. Poor Janet Fay. Did she really think she stood a chance against these two? And it just goes from bad to worse, as their love intensifies and the film becomes a non stop breath-holder. The suspense in the final act is so insane that you are almost begging for it to stop. LOVE KILLS.

The director, Leonard Kastle, made one film and this is it. And if you are going to make just one film, you better make it a doozy. He does. It makes it a double doozy. THE HONEYMOON KILLERS will become part of your life. You will never forget it. Now one of my all time favorite movies!

I think the craziest part of watching the film, was after it was over and watching one of the special features on the dvd, their trial was a sleazy sensation! There were clues that pointed to over 20 murders and they dressed to the hilt at their court dates! Man, to have a sequel with the original cast set around the trial! DREAMS!!!

New Classics: Over The Top

Sly Stallone managed to do it. Snatch an oscar, become an A list celeb and became a globally known mega-movie star. Not an easy task. Considering he started out flashing his dick around in ITALIAN STALLION. Stallone was known for his hardhitting action films. Films dipped into some sort of Fry Daddy of testosterone and they came out like a glorious breaded stick of cheese. Super good to watch, but you always feel a little sick after. Guns, glory and more guns were his usual arsenal of acting.
Then he turned on us in 1987. He went OVER THE TOP.



Sly appears on the screen driving a big mac truck to some great lite adult contempo music and the credits roll by in their BEACHES font. I immediately thought, "Uh, is this movie suppose to be HEARTWARMING?" To quote Georgia from GEORGIA, "OH GOD..."
There was a point when Sly was kinda hot. Late eighties before he decided to fuck up his face. Why he chose to get a new face is beyond me. It's called growing old gracefully. That isn't the point, because he is smoking hot in OVER THE TOP. My first favorite scene is when he jumps out his DUEL truck and we realized that Sly is a shorty! I swear, we have been fooled all this time! I always thought he was a towering hunk of action heroism, but he is just a lil' stinker! I love a good lil' stinker!

Sly bust up some graduation and snatches himself a Go-Go. I mean his son. This kid looks like Belinda and Jane mixed together. He is smart and sassy and cries throughout most of the movie. I thought the kid was going to be like Tatum O' Neal in PAPER MOON, where she was in on the act and helps her dad,but discovered that he was just a shitbox. Oh no. Not in OVER THE TOP. They did get the Tatum look-a-like down though. It turns out that mom is dying and she wants her son to spend some quality time with her/his dad. Which means lots of trucking around and arm wrestling! Not Sly, but the kid. She..he learns lots of life lessons while driving the DUEL truck and arm wrestling townies on pinball machines. Oh and he CRIES A LOT. Did I mention that? This Go-Go has some water works! They load up in the DUEL truck which is carrying a truck full of Brut (proud sponsor of OVER THE TOP) and hit the road to California.
Mom (Susan Blakely in a thankless role) reports STRAIGHT FROM THE HOSPITAL. Everytime they show her, she is one step closer to death. I swear all of her scenes are one takes. Like they called her in for a days worth of work. This bitch is gonna die on us at any given moment. But she waits until Sly and his Go-Go show up to see her and croaks. More tears. And we are only 38 minutes in the MOVIE!!! CHEERS!!!

So it back into the Duel truck to head to Vegas to try to win the arm wrestling championship of the world! But before this we have to watch a Sly and his Go-Go bond through a montage of driving around the nation and their dialogue cut and inserted into the scene is Kenny Loggins "Meet Me Halfway" song, which i sorta love a ton, so I was fine with that. We get to watch the Go-Go's stunt double drive the truck and we get to see Sly sharpen his acting chops that he seemed to have learned from the Tommy Wiseau school of method acting.

Am I the only one that thinks this is a propaganda film for NAMBLA. I mean there are tons upon tons of scenes that are cringe worthy. The Go-Go gets felt up by Sly the entire movie and there is something super prevy about how Sly and Robert Loggia battle for the Go-Go's affection. And the Go-Go's outfits....shorty shorts..."OH GOD..." And this movie is SWEATY!!! Everyone is sweating. There is more sweat in this movie than three Tennessee Williams' plays.

But in the end, all is set right and the Go-Go does some pre-9/11 air traveling and is able to make to Vegas to see his sweaty dad don some suspenders and a NEW YORK shirt and grunt and grind to save not only the future of he and his go-go, but his self respect and diginity.

So what do we learn from OVER THE TOP. That you should always buy the soundtrack if Frank Stallone is one it. That better living is achieved through arm wrestling and if you are going to show the agony of defeat, why not do it in slo-mo? Also the thought of all these truckers driving around with one really gross large arm makes me kinda vomit.

OVER THE TOP went on to bomb at the box office,but it didn't stop Sly. He continued working and working and working...but he never made another arm wrestling movie. Go-Go boy went on to have success in voice over work, but he did give us some of the best gay face in OVER THE TOP. The interesting thing about him is that he is actually really good in the movie, just horribly mis-cast.

OVER THE TOP is a must see and the grand finale gave me a great idea for a halloween costume.

UGH MOVIES : GEORGIA

Georgia has some problems. Balancing a thriving music career as a singer/songwriter and the duties of a mother and wife, Georgia has a lot on her plate. And then her sister, Sadie blows into town, yet again.


GEORGIA is one of those movies that dares you to all it a bad movie. Is the acting good? Is the music moving? Do you really care about anything going on in the movie? But one thing is for sure, it is really fun to watch. If you like UGH movies.

It is quite a simple story about two sisters. One, Georgia, who has everything and it all came easily and the other sister, Sadie. Now, for Sadie nothing comes easy therefore she has nothing. She refuses to work at anything to make her life better, yet she covet's everything everyone else has, especially her sister. In a nutshell, Sadie is a mess. A talking time bomb on the verge of falling apart at any given moment. Luckily for us, we have Jennifer Jason Leigh playing the part as Sadie. With her heavily made up, dark eyes and slipping bra straps, she blows into Seattle after managing to get away from a man named Trucker. We don't know much about Trucker, besides that he threatens to kill her and everyone seems super scared of him. When Sadie shows up at the Paramount Theater (yes Seattle folks! That Paramount Theater) everyone acts like they are seeing a ghost. Like they can't believe she survived living with Trucker. And they act like they wish she kinda wouldn't have.

1995 was a good year for Seattle. It was just getting out of its "grungey" phase and the music scene was exploding with undiscovered talent all over the place. Georgia's type of Susan Tedeschi esque music was all the rage in Seattle. Georgia fills the Paramount everytime she plays and then we get a quick cut to Sadie playing a bowling alley. GENIUS! The soundtrack is full of UGH music. But now I really need to get the soundtrack because i think JJL's songs are on it. Yes she sings her own stuff and does it live and it is not good. Mare Winningham sings her own music too, but it is so boring that you don't even care. It's a whisp of a voice while Sadie just screams into the mic and passes out at any given moment. It is like angry Mazzy Star or something. Believe me, it sounds terrible. Sadie as she says, "Can Sing." Not well though....

What I love about Georgia is she is done. She has heard it, seen it and been in the middle of it all before with Sadie. Everyone hates Sadie. Even Georgia's kids. They are miserable when they find out she is staying with them and whenever she tries to be "cute" or "sweet" with the kids, they can see right through her. Georgia's first words when seeing Sadie are "Oh God..."

A list of all the annoying and rude things that Sadie does:
1. Losing her boyfriends cat and not even caring.
2. Acting all sexy toward Georgia's husband in front of Georgia and her kids.
3. Drinking a ton of Nyquil right before a very important gig.
4. Practicing her "singing" while her boyfriend, who has to work early, is trying to sleep.

She is a nightmare walking. Did you know that you cannot board a plane without shoes on? I didn't. Sadie tried. She shows up at the airport to catch a plane from Medford, OR back to Seattle to torment her sister some more. She is at rock bottom. And they won't let her on the plane because she isn't wearing shoes. I never laughed so hard in my life. Luckily, for us, this is her fake rock bottom. The real one is to come later.

I cannot tell if JJL knows what she is doing or not. It is totally vanity project to benefit her. It has a desperate OSCAR stink to it. Like she was really really trying to get a nomination for this role and her mom wrote the screenplay. In a very Georgia vs Sadie moment come true, Mare was nominated for an oscar in the suppporting role race. Sadie loses once again.

The more you watch the movie, the more layers you discover. Like how Georgia's husband is kinda on Sadie's side because he knows that she is the only one that really can "get" to Georgia and he uses Sadie as an instrument to crave his jealous feelings about his wife's career. DEEP. It is also a good testament to siblings and their feelings toward each other. We get tossed together with these people and form this strong bond because they are the only ones that really understand what it was like growing up with our parents. And we are usually the only ones that can read our siblings to flith, just like Georgia finally has to do, but you always regret it.



Strangely enough, in TRUE sadie fashion, I always call her Georgia. Whenever i talk about it, i refer to JJL's character as Georgia, completely forgetting her real name in the movie. "Oh, you know old crazy ass Georgia!"

70's Cinema: CAR WASH

1976 was a good year if you were a blaxploitation film. The genre was riding high and just about all of the films were turning a profit. It was an even better year if you were a blaxploitation film with an amazing soundtrack. The movie best fitting that bill was CAR WASH.


Michael Schultz, the man behind the camera that has given BADMOVIEART lots of lovin'( CARBON COPY, THE LAST DRAGON, SGT. PEPPERS LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND) almost doesn't seem to know what he has on his hands and somehow it works. With a surprisingly tigh script by Joel Schumacher, CAR WASH is at one minute fluff and witty, then suddenly is hardcore and gritty. The balance between both feelings are so well done that it doesn't seem jarring at all. You almost don't even notice it until it is done.

CAR WASH is one of those great " a day in the life of" movies. It starts when the work bell rings and ends just after closing. Within that day we see a parade of customers ranging from the well to do to the hobos that live around the corner. We catches glimpses of the employees that work at the CAR WASH throughout the movie, but never staying to long on one and never really getting the whole story. Little moments ranging from silly love stories to the hearbreak of a father trying to do what is right all are played with sincerity and full of honest and humble emotions. Something that I never ever thought I would see from the writer of DYING YOUNG.

The two characters that truly hold the movie together are two of the ones with the least amount of lines and screentime, but everytime you see them, you heart races with joy! First is Marlene. We first see Marlene asleep in a taxi. When she wakes up and realizes that she doesn't know where she is or how she is going to pay for the taxi, she bails and hides out at the car wash. She spends the entire day there, washing her clothes in the bathroom, lounging around, giving out blowjobs and sipping beer through straws. Truly, a woman after my own heart. Her bored and mindless journey through the car wash sums up the feelings of the workers there. Lost souls trying to connect somehow in this weird sudsy world.

Next up is Calvin. The character of Calvin is from the heavens. Calvin is this nightmare child who runs around the city block, tormenting just about everyone in sight. Armed with only his skateboard and his sassy tongue, Calvin will read you to flith in one second and then skate away. He pops up at the best times during the movie to give the entire cast raspberry after raspberry. No one is safe from Calvin. Strangely enough, this was Calvin's only film credits besides being a dancer in SING (which i love!).

Hot topics such as racism, homosexuality, poverty, religion and damning the man, are all touched on, but quickly dismissed, because at the end of the day, all that matters is that the car is washed to perfection. CAR WASH cannot be mentioned without discussing its soundtrack. Rose Royce pumps tune after amazing tune on the soundtrack and the film pulls off its biggest coup. Two of the employees are practicing for a their two man singing/dancing gig and what better place to practice, but at work. Randomly, you will see these two men busting out dance moves in the background, giving the film a strange musical feel to it.

CAR WASH surprised me with just how big its heart was and it was actually in the right place. And the POINTER SISTERS are in it!!

Dear Sex And The City

Dear Sex and the city,
I am writing you this letter because I cannot tell you face to face what I need to say to you. We once were a strong team, you and I. For almost a decade we shared love, tears, laughter and some of the best times of my life. You opened me up to new ideas and bonded friendships with people surrounding me. There were times when you were so amazing that I had to rewatch the bootleg vhs copies over immediately. In the beginning, we stumbled a little as you found you footing, but I was alway there to praise you and lift you up to all the people who thought you would fail.
You taught me that going into my thirties, I could still be fun and alive, no matter what the mass media told me. We grew together. And I honestly never ever thought we would part or I would have ill feelings toward you. As our relationship came to its bittersweet conclusion and we had to say goodbye, I remember tearing up a little, not because I was so sad to see you go, but I would forever have memories of you and luckily could revisit those memories anytime I wanted too. I could watch you trek to HOLLYWOOD for a two episode arch. I could see all the amazing places that I wanted to visit when I went to New York City. And how can I ever forget the clothes, the hats and all those shoes. I felt very lucky to be able to have that connection whenever I wanted too.

Years later, long after our relationship was done, you surprised me and popped back up in my life for a brief time. You came back into my life in a heated rush and it was exciting to see how you had grown and expanded your life. It was an amazing and wonderful affair that still makes my heartbeat race a little when I think about it, because there was a special place in my heart for you. One of those true loves that even though is gone, never disappears.

Now you have decided that we needed to be together again and I foolishly gave you a chance. The minute you started dropping hints that you were going to be back in my life once again, that rush hit me, but this time I was a little more cautious. I didn't really understand why you thought it was necessary to rehash old plots lines and dust off tired old jokes. I think the worst part of your return was I saw something in you that I had never seen before, a shallowness that pooled to the surface in tacky outfits and horrible dialogue. After our encounter, I felt used and taken advantage of. All the times I had defended you. All the times I explained all the goodness and wonder of you to others, you present me with this? All the joy and happiness that you gave me will now be completely forgotten about, because your awfulness during this last visit was so terrible that I cannot get past it. And it is best for me to let you go. Luckily, it seems like you don't have to worry about returning, because your actions were so cutthroat and demeaning to your fans. Love Affairs that end on a good note, should stay that way.

I wish that I could say that I wish you the best, but honestly I don't. You should feel the wrath for this and I think you will suffer the worst fate. You will become completely forgotten about and the only thing people will talk about was just how ugly and nasty you were to your friends and lovers. Pointing fingers and placing blame are too things that I like to stir clear off, but this is all on you. Life is already hard enough. I do not need you to come and try to make it even worst. You are out of touch with anything real and have lost your soul.

So with this letter, I hope you understand that we cannot meet again. Once I am able to get over the scars and pain that you have left, I might be able to go back and revisit those wonderful memories that we shared so many years ago, but right now all i can see is Liza singing "SINGLE LADIES (PUT A RING ON IT)".


BADMOVIEART

NEW CLASSICS: MANNEQUIN 2: ON THE MOVE

There are moments in your life that are so shocking and groundbreaking that you cannot even believe it is happening as it is happening. You know one of those moments that you look back on and say, "Who knew that was going to have such an impact on my life." One of those moments happened to me last night. It has a name. MANNEQUIN 2: ON THE MOVE aka MANNEQUIN: ON THE MOVE.



It has been a long time since a movie stopped me dead in my tracks and made me reevaluate everything that I hold near and dear to my heart. The last movie to have this effect on me was a film called MEGAFORCE, but I don't even think that can compare to the beauty of M2:OTM. I am not one to go around and start shitting on the original MANNEQUIN. I know that it has a huge fan base and is beloved and I thought it was great when I was a kid. I have tried to fall back in love with it over and over as an adult, but the pull is gone for me. Andrew Mccarthy seems like he is high on a coke bender and acts like a functioning alcholic. He has lost his super dreamy feel and kinda seems to hate his life and the movie. The original seems to drag a little too much, but the beginning and ending are great. And of course we can never ever get HOLLYWOOD out of our minds. It's fun to see Kim Cattrall paying her dues...but that is where the fun ends..there isn't any real magic to it...But fear not! The sequel takes everything that the original lacked and cranks it up to 10,000 volts!!

Andrew is out and William Ragsdale is IN!! William is kinda under the radar, but those who love and adore FRIGHT NIGHT and FRIGHT NIGHT TWO know all about him. He is a super hunky fella with a killer smile and can wear a pair of jeans like nobody's bizness. He approaches his lead role with the same sort of wink/smile that he did in the FRIGHT NIGHT movies. He knows what sort of movie he is in and he goes for it. The entire movie depends on him laughing with the audience and he pulls it off.

Then there is the always hardworking Kristy Swanson.


Kristy is the 80's Linda Blair. She is alway there for us. From seducing Ducky onto the dancefloor in PRETTY IN PINK, to almost fucking her brother in FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC, to proving that she is the original and still the best Buffy the Vampire Slayer around. She is always having a good time. She brings to the role, few female actors her age can do. Her AMAZING mime skills. These were learned on the set of Wes Craven's fucking awesome movie DEADLY FRIEND, where she had to play a robot. A robot that kills people, but still a robot. She even had a mime coach!! Oh joy of joys, when she freezes into M2:OTM poses. Kristy. I love you.

As if the movie couldn't get any better, the director of MAC AND ME and the FOUR writers, count em, FOUR WRITERS include three muscle hunks with bulging packages and the outline of their penis in their spandex pants, a MASSIVE hat montage (which is a staple of a great movie) and some of the worst wigs this side of SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY.

Somehow the filmmakers got Meshach Taylor back for the sequel. It seems that something was lost in the editing process, because it seems like the film was suppose to be centered around his super homo character HOLLYWOOD!! He even gets to turn into a mannequin! A fucking Hollywood Montrose mannequin. You cannot ASK for shit like this to happen. Life is good.

M2:OTN delivers one of the best chase sequences ever when Ragsdale and Swanson board a suped up go cart and drive through a huge department store, down a flight of stairs, crash through a picture window, down a busy Philly street, under an 18 wheeler and finally end up at in the 'burbs. The best part is that Kristy parks it and later we get to see a meter maid giving her a ticket!!! A fucking ticket!! Once again, joys that you cannot even ask for. I think i screamed all the way through this sequence. All this after a hat montage. This movie was out for blood!

And then it happens. We get a fucking dance number! But not one dance number. But two dance numbers. It was like someone called me one the phone and asked me what I would like in a movie and I jotted down a list and they just created a film for me! Only if there was a good beheading, then it would have been perfect. But, we do get to see a male mannequin that everyone thinks is a real person get tossed off a building into a crowded street. The best part is that all the extras just continue to shop and go about their business, while in real life everyone would be freaking the fuck out!

I don't care what you have to do or how you go about it, but you NEED TO SEE M2:OTM.

70's Cinema: LITTLE BIG MAN

We go back to the beginning of the decade for what has to been one of the most insane movies I have ever seen. To describe this film would be like trying to describe why Madonna's BORDERLINE video is so amazing. You just have to see it. Dustin Hoffman, fresh off of MIDNIGHT COWBOY and THE GRADUATE successes, continued to show the world why he was one of the most dynamite actors of his generation. LITTLE BIG MAN is one of those films that is an actors dream come true! And Dustin was ready for the challenge.



Honestly, this movie came in from netflix and sat on my counter for two weeks. The netflix review on the sleeve called it droll and clocked in at around 2 hours. That is a commitment, but after RYAN'S DAUGHTER, anything seemed short. Ten minutes into it, i kicked myself for not experiencing this film sooner. I have to remember that I like droll.

Starting out with some of the best aging make-up this side of SHINING THROUGH, this movie set itself up for one of my biggest pet peeves. A movie narrated by a character. I have no problem with narration, but I super hate when the movie shows scenes that do not include the narrator. I always ask, "How can this person know what happened or what someone said, if they weren't even there?!" Makes me crazy. Dustin plays Jack Crabb, the oldest living white survivor of Custer's Last Stand. I don't know that much about Custer's Last Stand and I am sad to say that i didn't even know if Custer lived or died or what, so the plot of the movie held a certain amount of suspense for me. My dad would be so proud that i am admitting to not knowing anything about Custer, since he tried to make me read the most boring books about him growing up.

Tossed between the worlds of the native americans (human beings as they are called in the movie) and the white people world, Little Big Man, escapes death about 400 times. Faye Dunaway pops up for to short of a time playing a horny preacher's wife, then later as woman of the night. Faye proves to the world that she was one of the most beautiful women in the world. I really liked that her hair was treated as a supporting character in the film. You can't take your eyes off of it. And of course, we can't forget Chief Dan George. He is so convincing that i kept forgetting that he was an actor and had been acting for a couple of years before getting these role.

Dustin gets to do it all. Become a drunk, fight indians, fight the white man, become a gunslinger and gets himself into a orgy with Sunshine and her sisters. "They don't call her digging bear for nothing." He befriends the tranny indian and the contrary indian, who kinda stole my heart. I have a thing for guys who do everything backwards.

As the movie ended, with what has to be one of the best endings to a movie ever, i was so happy to discover that they had done the narration thing right. Dustin Hoffman was in every single scene. Just like Melanie Griffith in SHING THROUGH! Hats off! SUCCESS!

And I wikipedia'ed Custer's Last Stand and read about it for realz. LITTLE BIG MAN is making me smarter!

I have also decided that next time I go to PONY i am going to order a Sassafras Flip.

DON'T: THE BEAST MUST DIE

DON'T TAKE A WEREWOLF BREAK.


1974 brings with it an amazing film of beastly proportions. Take an ageless set up involving a group of people stuck at a mansion with one of them being a killer. Toss in a dash of blaxploitation and a helping lycanthropy, or as I like to call it, Dude you're a werewolf and you get the 1974 cult classic THE BEAST MUST DIE.



Now, don't get excited. Peter Cushing has a super small role in it. Calvin Lockhart, a mainstay of BADMOVIEART lovin' and Dynasty guest star, takes center stage. He owns a mansion where he likes to hunt things and he has a new obsession and that is hunting down a real life werewolf. The problem with wanting to hunt down a real life werewolf is WERE (get it!) do you find one. EASY! assemble a group of people that have all had to eat human flesh before and cover the dining room with WolfBane and wait...wait for the full moon. Certainly, one of the party guest will turn into a werewolf. At some point....

The premise is promising. An agatha christie story with some bite to it. Sadly, the idea is much more fun than the delivery. We sit waiting and waiting for someone to turn into a werewolf. We sit waiting for someone to get offed by a werewolf. We sit and wait as characters run around in day for night shots over and over. We sit and wait for THE WEREWOLF BREAK!!!

Yes, there is a werewolf break. 30 seconds for the viewer to take one last look at all the party guest and decide who they think is the werewolf. The narrator tells us to shout out our guesses. I shouted out, "BORIS!" since he is the closest I have ever come to a real life werewolf, that I know of....tick, tock goes the screen counter and then the BIG REVEAL!! It isn't very exciting and the werewolf is just a big german shepard with fur tied around its body. Not very impressing for the wait time on THE BEAST MUST DIE.

What really angers me about THE BEAST MUST DIE is that is uses one of the lowest forms of exploitation known to man. Kill the dog. You only kill the dog to upset people. You can be enjoying a fun little trashy movie and then they up and kill the dog. Such a shitty move I think.

THE BEAST MUST DIE is howling for a remake. If done with style and a bit of fun to it, the idea of a Werewolf Break is very good one. Sadly, there was no sequel. THE BEAST MUST DIE HARDER.

Of note: This film does have a killer scene with a guest member taking a sliver bullet and placing in their mouth to prove they are not a werewolf. The guest opens their hand and says, "Time to take my pill." GENIUS.