GAY CINEMA: LEECHES!

From the minute the campy font for LEECHES! starts, with its bubbling water and swaying letters, you might think that David DeCoteau and crew all knew what they were doing. But as anyone who has watched DeCoteau's work know, it never really lands right. Having made over 75 feature films, DeCoteau has managed make a name for himself in the direct to video genre, taking on monsters, serial killers and aliens. And it seems there are two things that David DeCoteau really likes. He loves gross out moments and cock.



The plot is simple. Like really simple. LakeCrest College (with a student body of about 30 kids) has a problem. The swim team is taking performance enhancers and they all hang out by the river. A couple of the guys who have abused the "pumpers" the most go for a swim and come out covered in Leeches. They pick them off each other in the gym shower and the leeches escape into the sewers. Now, bigger and badder than ever, the leeches want more blood and boys in speedos seem to be their favorite target.

A film like this can go both ways. It can be straight up camp or if the director had a flare from the less obvious, you could pull off a really fun horror film while keeping it all in check that it doesn't go over the campy cliff. Hard to do with the subject matter, but not impossible. But the balance is off from the get go. DeCoteau seems to know what he is doing and going for a campy feel, but the actors are totally serious. Like SILKWOOD serious. And they can't act! Which you think would make it even more campy, but it doesn't. It falls into this world that only David DeCoteau has been able to create. All of his films are like this. Another thing that all of his film's have in common are that they are knee deep in the gayness. The opening shot of the swimmer bending and stretching as the camera follows his every move and muscle, scream GAY! but the next scene is his GIRLFRIEND looking for him! Honey, He is at THE CUFF. The entire cast has had their eyebrows( and I am not talking all three of the girls in the movie) and the entire wardrobe has been sponsored by International Male. I always wondered who bought International Male clothes, now I know.....
Like DeCoteau's dual citizenship with The US and Canada, he seems to have one foot in gay cinema and another in trying to make it un-gay. He tries so hard, that it makes the movie even gayer. Does he know what he is doing? It can't be possible.

Some of my favorite Super Gay Moments in LEECHES!

1. The hunky Italian who climbs out of the river in the hottest swimsuit in the movie,while all the girls go nuts over him.

2.The two guys in their speedos taking showers and picking leeches off each other while almost kissing.

3.One of the PUMPED up leeches attacks a sleeping college student and aims right for his ass, then caresses its way (it's a hand puppet) to the guys mouth and the guy basically performs oral on said leech.

The movie just continues from bad to worst as the cast takes showers in their speedos, the girls talk about their "boyfriends" and a hot nerd discovers the truth and must battle not only the leeches but a lecherous coach and the other members of the swim team.

LEECHES! really wants to have it both ways. It wants to be a horror film for gays (very hard to do cuz we horror movie gays are some picky bitches) and a horror film that the normal demographic (13 year old boys) for horror films would rent. Maybe that explains the girl on the cover. It is a revolutionary idea, but one that must be done with the utmost care and really good insight. LEECHES! has neither and none of DeCoteau's work does either. I really like that he is out there, busting it, but come on, dude. Just let the guys make-out.

GAY CINEMA: BAR GIRLS

Finally....a comedy without MEN! That is what the tag line on the poster for BAR GIRLS reads and it's true. There is only one man in the entire cast and I am not sure what his damage is. All lesbians and lovers of gay cinema know that there is a massive shortage of lesbian films. And an even smaller amount of good lesbian films.
Forget PERSONAL BEST. Forget CLAIRE OF THE MOON. Forget GO FISH. There truly is only one film for the ladies that gives it its all. That film is BAR GIRLS.


From the moment the opening credits start, you know you are in trouble and once you have seen it more than a dozen times, you will recognize that the choir of women singing the opening song is made up of the cast of lovely ladies! A good way to save some money! Unfortunately, the theme song is not "BAR GIRLS, BAR GIRLS WHAT CHA GONNA DO..." which is what i sing while watching this film.

BAR GIRLS has so many problems to rejoice, that i honestly don't even know where to begin...in a nutshell the director and screenwriter blew it big time. The script is based off a stage play (god knows where it played) and is written by the playwright herself. Lauran Hoffman is not able to capture the essence of her characters on the big screen and I hope that she was able to do it on the stage, but I honestly don't see how. I mean, come on...if you are going to make a small indy lesbian film that really tries to capture the feel of Los Angeles gals, then what better time in cinema than 1994 could there be? Honey, this was your only chance....You better bring your A game.

A lot of the problem falls on the shoulders of the lead actor Nancy Allison Wolfe, in her ONLY acting credit. I am not sure if she was the star of the stage play and the jump from stage to screen just didn't fit, but she has got to be one of the most unlikeable and annoying characters in a movie ever. Just about every line she delivers fall flat and comes out like she just read over the script, but cranked to level 10 on the emotions chart. It feels like she has been sitting off camera, thinking about the most horrible things to pull up some emotions and then ends up like a deer caught in headlights when the camera starts rolling. With her "New York sense of humor" she is suppose to be our center in the crazy world of lesbian girl bars in the early 90's. She does have a good trying on outfits montage and she is suppose to be kinda a sexy sex bomb of a gal. But she flirts with girls and then delivers lines like, "It takes me a while to warm up to someone sexually." Oh Jesus.
Then she breaks the fourth wall and talks into the camera. I'm like, "Is this bitch talking to me?"

And then enters Fake Rae Dawn Chong. I can't even remember what her name is in the movie, because I just call her Fake Rae Dawn Chong. I try to imagine that it is the real RDC playing herself. Like when someone ask her what she has been up too, she says, "Oh, I just had a three episode story arch on Melrose Place." She is sorta love able in a muppet-esque kinda way. She and Nancy Allison Wolfe start flirting with each other, but Nancy Allison Wolfe is in a relationship and Fake Rae Dawn Chong is married to a man, which she tries to explain and I swear doesn't make any sense. After a sexy car chase and a dance routine lit by headlights ala TO DIE FOR trailer with Nicole dancing to "Dirty Laundry", the two gals turn to the audience and watch the movie with us.

I MUST SAY THIS at this point: It is a well documented fact from eye witnesses that this is usually the moment that broke the original audience in the theatres. People left in droves! Demanding their money back and hating themselves for sitting through it. Okay, back to the movie!

There is lots of Drama as all the girls at the bar bed hop and switch partners. None of the ever fuck, they just make love. "The best part of your skin, is that it covers your whole body!" Whenever Nancy Allison Wolfe says this to Fake Rae Dawn Chong, it fully expect her to push her in a homemade well and fatten her up to make a skin dress. A girl cop enters the picture to ruin their relationship and in one of my favorite moments in the entire movie, Nancy Allison Wolfe tells everyone why she hates cops. It ends up sounding like one of those assault reports that a gay gives to the SGN. Lots of details left out. Things that make you go HMMM.....

Toss in my favorite character Annie from Bakersfield "Now she's the aggressor" and a Cartoon! Yes, folks, there is a cartoon. A superhero called Heavy Myrtle, who flys around the city talking about her period. Something they don't show in the trailer! And it isn't even good animation. Like worst than RETURN OF JAFAR shit. And it is suppose to air on a cable channel. THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMM.....

BAR GIRLS is not for the faint at heart or for the weak spirit. It is a dark sided journey into contemporary gay cinema that takes a lot from you without giving anything back. It seemed as though BAR GIRLS had a curse. I will call it the BAR GIRLS CURSE. It basically ruined everyone involved. The director and screenwriter went on to do nothing and Nancy Allison Wolfe has disappeared. I hope she is doing well, because she really did go for it in this film and all her dreams of being the voice of the lesbian community got left at the Girl Bar. The only one to remain untouched by the BAR GIRLS CURSE would be CeCe Tsou, who plays Sandy. Now, Sandy is awesome. She steals the movie from everyone with less than 30 lines and she nails the best jokes, all physical too, nothing from the actual script is funny. Just recently, I yelped with joy while watching SPEED again. There was Sandy in the opening sequence trapped in an elevator while Keanu tried to rescue them and you know what...SHE NAILED IT. She recently landed a job on my dad's favorite daytime soaps THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL. You GIT IT GIRL!

BAR GIRLS remains one of my all time favorite movies and I can re watch it at any given moment. Even though awfulness hangs on it like a runny nose and it seems to be one of the most charmless films I have ever witnessed, I could watch Fake Rae Dawn Chong read the phone book for an hour and a half.

Hats off to BAR GIRLS. I love you.

70's Cinema: WALKING TALL

"We otta take Sir Lancelot's big stick and shove it up his ass!" I think this quote from the film WALKING TALL explains just how all the moonshiners, pimps, hustlers and general bad folks of a small town in Tennessee feel about their new sheriff.


WALKING TALL is the true story Buford Pusser, an ex-marine/ex-pro wrestler, who decides to give up the seedy world of professional wrestling and move his family back to his hometown in Tennessee. With two screaming kids and his fake Sissy Spacek wife on his side, he is hell bent on making his life better and playing by the rules for a change. "No fighting" he promises to fake Sissy. But we soon learn, that Buford has a hard time playing by the rules and sitting on the sidelines as his hick hometown gets over run by corruption. He breaks one of the many rules for moving back to your hometown. Don't go running around with some old high school buddies if you haven't talked to them in years. It's always bad news. He ends up in the middle of a whorehouse/gambling ring and is beaten up and stabbed over and over. Tossed onto the side of the highway and left for dead, Buford then and there has his "A-HA" moment". Bring them all to justice or KILL EM ALL.

Months later, he represents himself in a trial against those that attacked him and in one of many Joe Don Baker diva moments, he rips his shirt off to reveal countless stab wounds to the jury. He wins and gets elected sheriff, much to the chagrin of fake Sissy Spacek. To please fake Sissy, he does not carry a gun, but a huge stick which he uses to break legs, backs, arms, heads and bust out car windows.

Basically, he fights everyone and wins the hearts of the townspeople and along they way teaches the deputies that going the straight and narrow in law enforcement is much cooler than chilling with the corruption of the county. Then he gets shot over and over and keeps on coming back.

WALKING TALL is all over the place. With a run time of 124 minutes, it runs full steam for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Juxtaposing from campy Hixploitation to gritty hardhitting drama throughout. The scene when Pusser and his deputies capture the spy within the sheriff's department has got to be one of the most insane and suspenseful moments in the movie. Joe Don Baker is such a loose cannon, you actually have no idea what he is going to do to the fella. What happens is not pretty and very unexpected. For the last 45 minutes of WALKING TALL, the movie shifts to a heavy handed drama that basically makes the audience and the actors suffer over and over, then Joe Don Baker gets shot again and this time has to wear a SILENCE OF THE LAMBS mask because he got nailed in the face! The finale is a return to its hixploitation roots and truly is one of the moments in a film that you must see to actually believe it. Baker sells it though.

I have always been a big fan of Joe Don Bake, I always like a sweaty male diva. Somehow had never seen this movie, but I am happy I did. WALKING TALL definitely makes you want to go bust some ass.

70's Cinema: PETE'S DRAGON

Like a Candle on the water, the light that seems to try to shine so brightly from PETE'S DRAGON, gets a little to soggy to hold on to the audience.

PETE's DRAGON was one of those films that i hated to an extreme when I was a kid. Whenever my dad would venture to the video store alone, he would always rent this or POPEYE and then have to hear my sisters and I scream to the top of our lungs that he rented this crap the last time he didn't take us along! My older sister just refused to watch and my younger sister got bored instantly. I tried to muster up the strength to sit through all 129 minutes of it, but I would peter out by the roasted apple scene. Which is a good 20 minutes into it. That is not a good track record. So once i decided to take on the 70's cinema series for part of this blog, I thought, "What a great chance to revisit Pete's Dragon." WRONG.


As far as kiddie movies go, I don't see how a kid could make it through the entire thing. As a family movie, it seems like a movie that just about everyone in the family would hate. I was very excited to get past the roasted apple scene and I actually got to Helen Reddy. Now, Miss Reddy(if you are nasty!) nails this role. She goes for it all the way. She sings, she dances, she acts and she runs the lighthouse! There is one scene where she bust in the local saloon that her drunk dady patrons and goes to town on a barrel. I was shocked and amazed by this scene. It is all singing, all dancing and all Helen Reddy doing her own dancing. Her face is priceless. She is concentrating very hard on not falling off, but there is one minute when she relaxes and she has her "I nailed it" face on! A joy. I actually forgot there was an animated dragon in the movie.

Before Don Bluth exited Disney and decided to create his own animation studio, he designed Elliot the dragon. Who, with his little dragon wings and purple tussled hair, is a pretty cute little critter. The handdrawn animation is jaw dropping and besides a couple of wires here and there, the special effect are still impressive. His conversations with Pete remind me of my conversations with Boris. Elliot gives Pete lots of sage advice in a language that only Pete can understand. Also, Pete is the only one who can see the dragon. Oh, unless you are the town drunk. But nobody ever believes a town drunk. Mickey Rooney plays the town drunk and as a rule of thumb, you should never believe Mickey Rooney.

Pete ends up escaping some hillbilly/swamp folks with Shelley Winters as the mom of the motley crew. Now, what i always love about Shelley Winters, is that she is always ON! Her mind tells her to go for it with every single role, because you never know when you will get nominated for an oscar for supporting actor. And sometimes you even WIN!

This film feels older than 1977 and not in a classic or timeless sort of way. More of like a dated and boring sort of way. Disney went for a MARY POPPINS/BEDKNOBS feel and I kinda got the feeling that PETE'S DRAGON had been kicking around the studio for a good ten years. 1967, this movie would have found a permenant place for some disney lovin', but sadly it just falls flat. Helen Reddy really wants it to work and she does her best, but the songs are way too much and don't move the movie along. Once the music starts, you feel like you are trapped like a wild animal. About the halfway mark I was ready to gnaw off an imaginary leg. I was really hoping Elliot would go on a rampage and start terrorizing the coastal town. Shooting fire out of his nose and gobbling up school children. No such luck. Just more songs.


This movie MUST have some sort of cult following. Crazy Disney nerds, dragon fans, Don Bluth nuts, Helen Reddy junkies. Someone out there must love it.

70's Cinema: HONEYMOON KILLERS

Sometimes there are movies that just fall through the cracks of your life. Movies that once you watch, you can't believe that you never watched it before. I could kick myself for never watching THE HONEYMOON KILLERS until just now.


Mind blowing can't even begin to describe this film. Based on a true life series of murders, THE HONEYMOON KILLERS dramatizes what I think is the ultimate bad romance. Shirley Stoler plays Nurse Martha Beck whose love life is in the toilet. Her personal life revolves around bossing candy stripers. around, gossiping with her best gal pal( Doris Roberts of all people) and wishing her live in mother was dead. It is not the most exciting life to lead. Then she gets a nibble from her lonely hearts correspondence club. The man is Raymond Fernandez and it is love at first sentence. Martha plans an exodus out of her life and plans for a future full of love, happiness and sleaze.

The minute Tony Lo Bianco steps onto the screen, you get it. His portrayal of Raymond "Ray" Fernandez left me breathless. He is so smoldering, you totally understand why all the ladies look past things that should be red flags. Once he realizes that Martha won't let go so fast and could possibly be the only woman that can truly love him, he lets her in on her racket. He meets older ladies, gets them to marry him quick and takes all their money. It is fast, cheap and easy. Posing as brother and sister, the two make a small fortune, leaving a trail of broken lonely hearts club members in their wake.

Martha is fine with the older ladies, but when a younger woman comes into the scheme, she really goes to town. In a scene that can only be described as swimsuit heaven, Ray romances said lady, while Martha promptly sets out to drown herself in the lake. Barely saving her, Ray now realizes just how deep their bad romance runs and what he can do to exploit it.

The rest of the film is a complete downward spiral. Poor Janet Fay. Did she really think she stood a chance against these two? And it just goes from bad to worse, as their love intensifies and the film becomes a non stop breath-holder. The suspense in the final act is so insane that you are almost begging for it to stop. LOVE KILLS.

The director, Leonard Kastle, made one film and this is it. And if you are going to make just one film, you better make it a doozy. He does. It makes it a double doozy. THE HONEYMOON KILLERS will become part of your life. You will never forget it. Now one of my all time favorite movies!

I think the craziest part of watching the film, was after it was over and watching one of the special features on the dvd, their trial was a sleazy sensation! There were clues that pointed to over 20 murders and they dressed to the hilt at their court dates! Man, to have a sequel with the original cast set around the trial! DREAMS!!!

New Classics: Over The Top

Sly Stallone managed to do it. Snatch an oscar, become an A list celeb and became a globally known mega-movie star. Not an easy task. Considering he started out flashing his dick around in ITALIAN STALLION. Stallone was known for his hardhitting action films. Films dipped into some sort of Fry Daddy of testosterone and they came out like a glorious breaded stick of cheese. Super good to watch, but you always feel a little sick after. Guns, glory and more guns were his usual arsenal of acting.
Then he turned on us in 1987. He went OVER THE TOP.



Sly appears on the screen driving a big mac truck to some great lite adult contempo music and the credits roll by in their BEACHES font. I immediately thought, "Uh, is this movie suppose to be HEARTWARMING?" To quote Georgia from GEORGIA, "OH GOD..."
There was a point when Sly was kinda hot. Late eighties before he decided to fuck up his face. Why he chose to get a new face is beyond me. It's called growing old gracefully. That isn't the point, because he is smoking hot in OVER THE TOP. My first favorite scene is when he jumps out his DUEL truck and we realized that Sly is a shorty! I swear, we have been fooled all this time! I always thought he was a towering hunk of action heroism, but he is just a lil' stinker! I love a good lil' stinker!

Sly bust up some graduation and snatches himself a Go-Go. I mean his son. This kid looks like Belinda and Jane mixed together. He is smart and sassy and cries throughout most of the movie. I thought the kid was going to be like Tatum O' Neal in PAPER MOON, where she was in on the act and helps her dad,but discovered that he was just a shitbox. Oh no. Not in OVER THE TOP. They did get the Tatum look-a-like down though. It turns out that mom is dying and she wants her son to spend some quality time with her/his dad. Which means lots of trucking around and arm wrestling! Not Sly, but the kid. She..he learns lots of life lessons while driving the DUEL truck and arm wrestling townies on pinball machines. Oh and he CRIES A LOT. Did I mention that? This Go-Go has some water works! They load up in the DUEL truck which is carrying a truck full of Brut (proud sponsor of OVER THE TOP) and hit the road to California.
Mom (Susan Blakely in a thankless role) reports STRAIGHT FROM THE HOSPITAL. Everytime they show her, she is one step closer to death. I swear all of her scenes are one takes. Like they called her in for a days worth of work. This bitch is gonna die on us at any given moment. But she waits until Sly and his Go-Go show up to see her and croaks. More tears. And we are only 38 minutes in the MOVIE!!! CHEERS!!!

So it back into the Duel truck to head to Vegas to try to win the arm wrestling championship of the world! But before this we have to watch a Sly and his Go-Go bond through a montage of driving around the nation and their dialogue cut and inserted into the scene is Kenny Loggins "Meet Me Halfway" song, which i sorta love a ton, so I was fine with that. We get to watch the Go-Go's stunt double drive the truck and we get to see Sly sharpen his acting chops that he seemed to have learned from the Tommy Wiseau school of method acting.

Am I the only one that thinks this is a propaganda film for NAMBLA. I mean there are tons upon tons of scenes that are cringe worthy. The Go-Go gets felt up by Sly the entire movie and there is something super prevy about how Sly and Robert Loggia battle for the Go-Go's affection. And the Go-Go's outfits....shorty shorts..."OH GOD..." And this movie is SWEATY!!! Everyone is sweating. There is more sweat in this movie than three Tennessee Williams' plays.

But in the end, all is set right and the Go-Go does some pre-9/11 air traveling and is able to make to Vegas to see his sweaty dad don some suspenders and a NEW YORK shirt and grunt and grind to save not only the future of he and his go-go, but his self respect and diginity.

So what do we learn from OVER THE TOP. That you should always buy the soundtrack if Frank Stallone is one it. That better living is achieved through arm wrestling and if you are going to show the agony of defeat, why not do it in slo-mo? Also the thought of all these truckers driving around with one really gross large arm makes me kinda vomit.

OVER THE TOP went on to bomb at the box office,but it didn't stop Sly. He continued working and working and working...but he never made another arm wrestling movie. Go-Go boy went on to have success in voice over work, but he did give us some of the best gay face in OVER THE TOP. The interesting thing about him is that he is actually really good in the movie, just horribly mis-cast.

OVER THE TOP is a must see and the grand finale gave me a great idea for a halloween costume.

UGH MOVIES : GEORGIA

Georgia has some problems. Balancing a thriving music career as a singer/songwriter and the duties of a mother and wife, Georgia has a lot on her plate. And then her sister, Sadie blows into town, yet again.


GEORGIA is one of those movies that dares you to all it a bad movie. Is the acting good? Is the music moving? Do you really care about anything going on in the movie? But one thing is for sure, it is really fun to watch. If you like UGH movies.

It is quite a simple story about two sisters. One, Georgia, who has everything and it all came easily and the other sister, Sadie. Now, for Sadie nothing comes easy therefore she has nothing. She refuses to work at anything to make her life better, yet she covet's everything everyone else has, especially her sister. In a nutshell, Sadie is a mess. A talking time bomb on the verge of falling apart at any given moment. Luckily for us, we have Jennifer Jason Leigh playing the part as Sadie. With her heavily made up, dark eyes and slipping bra straps, she blows into Seattle after managing to get away from a man named Trucker. We don't know much about Trucker, besides that he threatens to kill her and everyone seems super scared of him. When Sadie shows up at the Paramount Theater (yes Seattle folks! That Paramount Theater) everyone acts like they are seeing a ghost. Like they can't believe she survived living with Trucker. And they act like they wish she kinda wouldn't have.

1995 was a good year for Seattle. It was just getting out of its "grungey" phase and the music scene was exploding with undiscovered talent all over the place. Georgia's type of Susan Tedeschi esque music was all the rage in Seattle. Georgia fills the Paramount everytime she plays and then we get a quick cut to Sadie playing a bowling alley. GENIUS! The soundtrack is full of UGH music. But now I really need to get the soundtrack because i think JJL's songs are on it. Yes she sings her own stuff and does it live and it is not good. Mare Winningham sings her own music too, but it is so boring that you don't even care. It's a whisp of a voice while Sadie just screams into the mic and passes out at any given moment. It is like angry Mazzy Star or something. Believe me, it sounds terrible. Sadie as she says, "Can Sing." Not well though....

What I love about Georgia is she is done. She has heard it, seen it and been in the middle of it all before with Sadie. Everyone hates Sadie. Even Georgia's kids. They are miserable when they find out she is staying with them and whenever she tries to be "cute" or "sweet" with the kids, they can see right through her. Georgia's first words when seeing Sadie are "Oh God..."

A list of all the annoying and rude things that Sadie does:
1. Losing her boyfriends cat and not even caring.
2. Acting all sexy toward Georgia's husband in front of Georgia and her kids.
3. Drinking a ton of Nyquil right before a very important gig.
4. Practicing her "singing" while her boyfriend, who has to work early, is trying to sleep.

She is a nightmare walking. Did you know that you cannot board a plane without shoes on? I didn't. Sadie tried. She shows up at the airport to catch a plane from Medford, OR back to Seattle to torment her sister some more. She is at rock bottom. And they won't let her on the plane because she isn't wearing shoes. I never laughed so hard in my life. Luckily, for us, this is her fake rock bottom. The real one is to come later.

I cannot tell if JJL knows what she is doing or not. It is totally vanity project to benefit her. It has a desperate OSCAR stink to it. Like she was really really trying to get a nomination for this role and her mom wrote the screenplay. In a very Georgia vs Sadie moment come true, Mare was nominated for an oscar in the suppporting role race. Sadie loses once again.

The more you watch the movie, the more layers you discover. Like how Georgia's husband is kinda on Sadie's side because he knows that she is the only one that really can "get" to Georgia and he uses Sadie as an instrument to crave his jealous feelings about his wife's career. DEEP. It is also a good testament to siblings and their feelings toward each other. We get tossed together with these people and form this strong bond because they are the only ones that really understand what it was like growing up with our parents. And we are usually the only ones that can read our siblings to flith, just like Georgia finally has to do, but you always regret it.



Strangely enough, in TRUE sadie fashion, I always call her Georgia. Whenever i talk about it, i refer to JJL's character as Georgia, completely forgetting her real name in the movie. "Oh, you know old crazy ass Georgia!"