Friday, November 30, 2012
High Drama: THAT WAS THEN....THIS IS NOW
THAT WAS THEN....THIS IS NOW is not a good movie. It is horribly flawed, but any time Craig Sheffer plays a teen at the ripe age of 25, BadMovieArt comes a callin'.
The most important aspect of THAT WAS THEN....THIS IS NOW is Craig's hair.
Lessons learned from THAT WAS THEN....THIS IS NOW.
1. Always watch Emilio Estevez movies.
2. If someone from your past is giving you shit about something you did, you turn to them and say, "Hey asshole, THAT WAS THEN, DOT, DOT, DOT,THIS IS NOW!"
Sunday, September 23, 2012
New Classics: MAID TO ORDER
MAID TO ORDER by itself has a lot of problems. Two if them NOT being Michael Ontkean (in super later 80's hunk-dome) and the BadMovieArt staple that is Tom Skerritt. One never goes wrong with a Tom Skerritt film. It's a fact. Look it up. The weight of MAID TO ORDER falls on the bedazzled shoulders of Ally Sheedy and for the fact that she looks like she got electrocuted by Number 5, she pretty much pulls her end of the deal.
Short and sweet, MAID TO ORDER never realizes its full potential and waste a good chunk of time giving the screen to the rich couple Sheedy is forced to work for. It is kinda like a DOWN AND OUT IN BEVERLY HILLS-esque satire, but not nearly as interesting. Beverly D'Angelo is on hand as the fairy Godmother who just wants to smoke and look good. Understandable. So, what you have on your hands is a charming, brisk and very likable rom-com with an almost butt shot of Michael Ontkean.
The TRUE travesty of life is when you get MAID TO ORDER on dvd and you pop it in. I love that it just starts up! No need for a nice menu selection with special features and such. It can't be bothered. If you hit stop, you are treated to what I think is one of the worst DVD menus ever, besides HELLO AGAIN of course.
But enough of that. The true crime committed by the MAID TO ORDER dvd is the cropping of the film. At first, I screamed and pumped my fist in the air. How dare they? Then I started to enjoy the butcher from HOSTEL style cropping. Deena Jones, knows I love a good beheading and MAID TO ORDER was just that for beheading in film enthusiast such as myself. Photos are taken directly from my TV and have been formatted to show all the good cropping in its glory.
ALLY SHEEDY AND BEVERLY D'ANGELO DISCUSS NEW BEGINNINGS.
TEDDY WILSON AND HIS CAR.
VALERIE PERRINE AND DICK SHAWN GO DOWN AND OUT.
TOM SKERRITT ALWAYS LOOKS GOOD IN A TUX EVEN WITHOUT A HEAD.
DING! DONG! YOUR DREAMDATE MICHAEL ONTKEAN IS HERE.
I couldn't in good faith, write about Michael Ontkean and not post a photo with a head. You can thank me later.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thrills: NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS
So it came to pass that a new era of film would be ushered in. Many came. Many went. And all was good. There ain't nothing like a good 90's thriller. Sadly, NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS is not one of them. All the signs pointed to a stroke of luck with NTTS. A BadMovieArt favorite, Rebecca De Mornay's return to "classy" thriller is neither classy nor thrilling. Toss in a fresh faced and ready to take Hollywood by storm actor by the name of Antonio Banderas and you have all the trappings for a sexy, sexy good time. NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS is neither sexy or a good time. Scrapping together pieces that resemble much more popular 90's thrillers, the film failed to capture an audience at the time of its release and has become a permanent fixture on my Roku. That being said, just among you and I, NTTS is kinda wonderful in its trashy way.
Even as the opening credits start you realize exactly what type of movie you have gotten yourself into. An uptown melodrama overheated mystery that has a very cheap look, but filmed well. An enigma that plagued many at 90's thriller. We are subjected to Babs De Mornay doing her best Jodie Foster to Harry Dean Stanton's Hannibal Lector. She,like Clarice, has to walk down the hallway of jail cells. No one cums on her, but 'tis life. In the role of Dr. Sarah Taylor, De Mornay channels Peyton Flanders and gives some good icy stares at just about everyone in the movie. UGH ALERT!!! Dennis Miller plays her best friend/old flame/same character from The Net. I can't be alone in this, but wasn't there a time when we all liked Dennis Miller. He didn't really do anything great or anything, but he wasn't an asshole. Now it seems like he is always mouthing off about the dumbest stuff. Honey, go back to playing weird straight guys in women heavy thrillers. I think fake Hannibal Lector reads Dr. Sarah Taylor to filth, but is so static that you just tune it out for a touch, but I at attention when he said he heard TV voices telling him to do things. Someone get Jo Beth Williams STAT!
Since this is a sexy movie, everything gets to be sexy. Dr. Sarah Taylor has to attend an erotic art opening and trembling and queefing at the pictures of pierced nipples and legs spread apart. Then the oddest thing happened at 4 minutes and 25 seconds the line, "Ephesus with a hard on!" was uttered and suddenly, I had one of those Carrie Bradshaw flashbacks and it all came back to me! I would say I have a baker dozen viewings of NTTS, but I always forget what happens. But that line made me remember all and I GOT REALLY EXCITED!
So the artist is Banderas and De Mornay says some shitty stuff about his work to his FACE and they get all hot and bothered for each other. So now she has to work on her psychological profile of fake Hannibal Lector for the state department and have a MAJOR case of the hornys at the same time. PROBLEM! The movie, like De Mornay's eyes, has a cold feel to it, because everyone wear HUGE coats in the movie. You think the movie was set in Anchorage, AK or something. It's like RENT A COP freezing and everyone looks miserable. De Mornay, who loves a good bit of business while acting, gets to act with a cat the whole movie. This is a patent pending trademark of hers.
GUILTY AS SHIT - coffee and pencils
HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE - coffee, blue sweater, baby
AND GOD CREATED WOMAN '88 - guitar and boom box
RISKY BUSINESS - Tom Cruise
The cat is really cute and pretty good in the film. Antonio finally stalks De Mornay and seduces her in a quik stop while discussing the merits of cheap wine. If you look closely, De Mornay's shopping cart is full of huge bottles of water. He finally completely wins her over by whispering, "You look like a woman who must be won". That is a panty dropper if I have ever heard one. Babs, turned on by the prospect of sex that she can't concentrate anything, is all thumbs. She drops a bag full of spaghetti sauce all sexy like and it runs down her apartment stoop. "Excuse me miss! You gotta clean that shit up"! That is what I imagine Pearl from 227 would yell out her window if she saw that happen.
Then it happens. NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS has been sprinkled with clues that there was something much more sinister at hand. A visible crack is when De Mornay breaks a bunch of glass in her kitchen, she sweeps it up and dumps it into the sink. She then turns on the garbage dispose. ODD. Hitchcrapian through and through. She starts to apply frenetically chap stick on her lips throughout the whole movie and tries to be all SILVER on our ass with modern technology and shit, but fails. She then gets a box of dead roses and stale bread, but decides that she should go on her date with her sexy, mysterious new beau. They go to a seedy club and there are some gays kissing. Very Basic Instink. They then go to a carnival and you if you look closely you will see Santa Claus in the background roaming around. NTTS suddenly is set during Christmas. We are a good 45 minutes into it and there has been no mention of the holiday spirit. I ain't complaining, but it's ODD.
De Mornay shows up at Banderas artist condo and they fuck like animals in an actual cage in his living room. See, classy! It is kinda like prison sex as De Mornay takes the dominate role and proceeds to toss Banderas salad! Once again, it is not sexy. It has this animal shelter feel about it, which reminded of Mutley Crews AKA Boris Beauty Shop. LATER.....they are looking at some of her case files and there is one about child abuse. Banderas voices his opinion on child abuse, which is the more popular opinion and De Mornay silently reads the documents, smiling. ODD.
LATER....De Mornay is cooking dinner for them and Banderas goes to take a leak. It seems Babs has a rattling heater with the screws closely coming out of the sockets. CLUE! The phone rings and De Mornay mumbles something then says, "Call me closer to Christmas". Which I think I am going to start saying all the time now when people are bugging me. They have sex again.
She shows her tits and he shows his ass. A good trade off. She awakens in the middle of the night to find Antonio digging through her purse! My mom always told me that you should NEVER DIG IN A WOMAN'S PURSE. That would be a good title to the sequel.
When her cat ends up dead, you know the shit is going down. We do get a montage of Banderas and De Mornay falling in love and it involves trust falls in the snow! That I like. The scares are getting piled on as De Mornay goes to take a bath with the above mentioned rattling wall heater looming next to her. There is also a lot of WATCHER IN THE WOOD mirror scares and....SPOILER ALERT....
I am not a big fan of the spoiler alert, but with NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS it really doesn't matter, but if you don't want to know the ending, just stop right here. But the movie goes bat shit.
Okay, so we then find out ala SILVER that De Mornay is STALKING HERSELF!!! She has multiple personalities and Banderas is just a hapless lovelorn erotic artist and she is fucking nuts. After you get out of the fetal position from the shocking revelation, you get to see EVERYONE cast member start shooting at one another and then it is all over! 86 minutes of pure 90's thriller goodness. The ending is full of so many twists that you don't even know what is going on, but it is always the journey that counts.
Alternate titles for NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS:
1. SHUT UP WEIRD PERSON
2. GURL, NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS
3. STRANGERS NEVER TALK
4. DON'T NEVER EVER TALK TO STRANGERS
5. JUST DON'T
I would like to go on record now and state I LOVE REBECCA DE MORNAY
Even as the opening credits start you realize exactly what type of movie you have gotten yourself into. An uptown melodrama overheated mystery that has a very cheap look, but filmed well. An enigma that plagued many at 90's thriller. We are subjected to Babs De Mornay doing her best Jodie Foster to Harry Dean Stanton's Hannibal Lector. She,like Clarice, has to walk down the hallway of jail cells. No one cums on her, but 'tis life. In the role of Dr. Sarah Taylor, De Mornay channels Peyton Flanders and gives some good icy stares at just about everyone in the movie. UGH ALERT!!! Dennis Miller plays her best friend/old flame/same character from The Net. I can't be alone in this, but wasn't there a time when we all liked Dennis Miller. He didn't really do anything great or anything, but he wasn't an asshole. Now it seems like he is always mouthing off about the dumbest stuff. Honey, go back to playing weird straight guys in women heavy thrillers. I think fake Hannibal Lector reads Dr. Sarah Taylor to filth, but is so static that you just tune it out for a touch, but I at attention when he said he heard TV voices telling him to do things. Someone get Jo Beth Williams STAT!
Since this is a sexy movie, everything gets to be sexy. Dr. Sarah Taylor has to attend an erotic art opening and trembling and queefing at the pictures of pierced nipples and legs spread apart. Then the oddest thing happened at 4 minutes and 25 seconds the line, "Ephesus with a hard on!" was uttered and suddenly, I had one of those Carrie Bradshaw flashbacks and it all came back to me! I would say I have a baker dozen viewings of NTTS, but I always forget what happens. But that line made me remember all and I GOT REALLY EXCITED!
So the artist is Banderas and De Mornay says some shitty stuff about his work to his FACE and they get all hot and bothered for each other. So now she has to work on her psychological profile of fake Hannibal Lector for the state department and have a MAJOR case of the hornys at the same time. PROBLEM! The movie, like De Mornay's eyes, has a cold feel to it, because everyone wear HUGE coats in the movie. You think the movie was set in Anchorage, AK or something. It's like RENT A COP freezing and everyone looks miserable. De Mornay, who loves a good bit of business while acting, gets to act with a cat the whole movie. This is a patent pending trademark of hers.
GUILTY AS SHIT - coffee and pencils
HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE - coffee, blue sweater, baby
AND GOD CREATED WOMAN '88 - guitar and boom box
RISKY BUSINESS - Tom Cruise
The cat is really cute and pretty good in the film. Antonio finally stalks De Mornay and seduces her in a quik stop while discussing the merits of cheap wine. If you look closely, De Mornay's shopping cart is full of huge bottles of water. He finally completely wins her over by whispering, "You look like a woman who must be won". That is a panty dropper if I have ever heard one. Babs, turned on by the prospect of sex that she can't concentrate anything, is all thumbs. She drops a bag full of spaghetti sauce all sexy like and it runs down her apartment stoop. "Excuse me miss! You gotta clean that shit up"! That is what I imagine Pearl from 227 would yell out her window if she saw that happen.
Then it happens. NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS has been sprinkled with clues that there was something much more sinister at hand. A visible crack is when De Mornay breaks a bunch of glass in her kitchen, she sweeps it up and dumps it into the sink. She then turns on the garbage dispose. ODD. Hitchcrapian through and through. She starts to apply frenetically chap stick on her lips throughout the whole movie and tries to be all SILVER on our ass with modern technology and shit, but fails. She then gets a box of dead roses and stale bread, but decides that she should go on her date with her sexy, mysterious new beau. They go to a seedy club and there are some gays kissing. Very Basic Instink. They then go to a carnival and you if you look closely you will see Santa Claus in the background roaming around. NTTS suddenly is set during Christmas. We are a good 45 minutes into it and there has been no mention of the holiday spirit. I ain't complaining, but it's ODD.
De Mornay shows up at Banderas artist condo and they fuck like animals in an actual cage in his living room. See, classy! It is kinda like prison sex as De Mornay takes the dominate role and proceeds to toss Banderas salad! Once again, it is not sexy. It has this animal shelter feel about it, which reminded of Mutley Crews AKA Boris Beauty Shop. LATER.....they are looking at some of her case files and there is one about child abuse. Banderas voices his opinion on child abuse, which is the more popular opinion and De Mornay silently reads the documents, smiling. ODD.
LATER....De Mornay is cooking dinner for them and Banderas goes to take a leak. It seems Babs has a rattling heater with the screws closely coming out of the sockets. CLUE! The phone rings and De Mornay mumbles something then says, "Call me closer to Christmas". Which I think I am going to start saying all the time now when people are bugging me. They have sex again.
She shows her tits and he shows his ass. A good trade off. She awakens in the middle of the night to find Antonio digging through her purse! My mom always told me that you should NEVER DIG IN A WOMAN'S PURSE. That would be a good title to the sequel.
When her cat ends up dead, you know the shit is going down. We do get a montage of Banderas and De Mornay falling in love and it involves trust falls in the snow! That I like. The scares are getting piled on as De Mornay goes to take a bath with the above mentioned rattling wall heater looming next to her. There is also a lot of WATCHER IN THE WOOD mirror scares and....SPOILER ALERT....
I am not a big fan of the spoiler alert, but with NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS it really doesn't matter, but if you don't want to know the ending, just stop right here. But the movie goes bat shit.
Okay, so we then find out ala SILVER that De Mornay is STALKING HERSELF!!! She has multiple personalities and Banderas is just a hapless lovelorn erotic artist and she is fucking nuts. After you get out of the fetal position from the shocking revelation, you get to see EVERYONE cast member start shooting at one another and then it is all over! 86 minutes of pure 90's thriller goodness. The ending is full of so many twists that you don't even know what is going on, but it is always the journey that counts.
Alternate titles for NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS:
1. SHUT UP WEIRD PERSON
2. GURL, NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS
3. STRANGERS NEVER TALK
4. DON'T NEVER EVER TALK TO STRANGERS
5. JUST DON'T
I would like to go on record now and state I LOVE REBECCA DE MORNAY
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
DON'T: HELLO AGAIN.
Don't come back from the dead.
I had the most befuzzling evening the other night. I have recently found myself on this weird Shelley Long journey. With a madcap romp through OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE and TROOP BEVERLY HILLS and I decided it was time to say hello again to HELLO AGAIN.
As it started I realized that I had not seen HELLO AGAIN in over two decades. It perplexed me, because I remembered it vividly or did I? If you had asked me two days ago what I thought of HELLO AGAIN, I would most likely have replied, "It's pretty funny and I love Shelley Long". Today things changed.
The credits started and I already felt off balance. The name Susan Isaacs popped up as writer, producer and CASTING DIRECTOR! I could have screamed with delight and slight dread. Ms. Isaacs is world famous for her novel SHINING THROUGH. Yes, that Shining Through! The movie where Melanie Griffith fights Nazis and gets some of the best FOR THE BOYS aging make-up ever. That is all beside the point though. We get a close up of Long's big eyes and some of the cheapest ass rom-com music I have ever heard. We get a hurried back story of Long's character, Lucy Chadman. She is an ordinary gal with an okayish husband, played by Corbin Bernsen in his hottish years. Her barely legal son is a dreamboat though. He is an aspiring chef and wears an apron with a bandanna decorating his neck. A look that is possibly one of the fastest ways to get me in sack. But what you really need to understand is that Lucy Chadman a KLUTZ! A big one too! She falls down at the drop of a hat. She walks into a fancy party and her skirt falls down around her ankles! HA! It's funny, yo! It's like 20 minutes into the movie and I thought, "Ain't this hag dead yet? HELLO! AGAIN"!
OH! Sela Ward is in HELLO AGAIN as a best friend/arch enemy to Long's "ordinary lady" and she is the shit! She gives us some DIE NASTY realness and shoot glamor out of her ass. Judith Ivey is on board as Long's sister and she is super satanic. The director, Frank Perry, seemed to want to stir away from scary super satanic, so Ivey is funny super satanic. Problem is, she is terrible. I usually love me a Judith Ivey supporting role, but this is the pits. Shelley Long chokes to death and we have to watch her funeral with her son completely losing his SHIT and everyone super sad. FUN! Cut one year later and super satanic sister has stumbled on a spell that will bring her beloved sister back from the dead. ONE YEAR LATER! Honey, I read Pet Sematary, I know what they come back like! HELLO! AGAIN!
So one day, Lucy shows back up and has discovered that her husband has dealt with his grief by banging Sela Ward (is there any other way?) and marrying her! Lucy bust up in her home and finds Sela getting busy in her OWN BED! Also, her son is a famous cook and married to some ugly girl,but no one cares.
She is not a ghost, because you cannot walk through her. She goes to the doctor to get blood test and x-rays, once AGAIN (!) proving she was dead but now isn't? I'm cornfused. Well, now what do you do with her? She loves her Coke (proud sponsor of HELLO AGAIN) and she is DYING to know what is happening on Knots Landing. My kinda fresh out of the grave gal. We get baker's dozen dead mom jokes, all flat lining, a couple more pratfalls in which you hope they result in a death inducing accident and lots of leg! Oh, Shelley has legs for days and she is gonna show 'em off. Then, Super Satanic Sister informs Lucy that she needs to find true love by the first moon after her revival and she has less than a month to do so! GIT IT GIRL!! There is some pre- Troop Beverly Hills high fashion, which is fun, but without the yuks. She also is forced back into the hospital for some reason and meets cutie Gabriel Byrne M.D. She has to take some Exorcist 2 testing and walks down the hall with her hospital gown flapping open and showing her BUTT! There is the yuk!
Lucy decides to embrace her dead self and say to the world….all together now….HELLO AGAIN! She embarks on a world wide rainbow tour of the continents kissing babies, giving lectures and shopping and apparently forgetting her "must find true love in a month" curse. Or maybe there was not a moon that month and she got a get out of the grave free pass. She morphs into a fame monster for a little while but learns a valuable lesson and helps troubled kids. There is this little girl named Lil' Debbie who won't stop looking at the camera. She tries really, really hard not to do it, but she just can't help it. I would look too.
Sela Ward gets mad and holds a press conference to prove that Lucy Chadman is a fake and a phony. She claims that Lucy never really died because she doesn't have cobwebs in her pussy or worms under her skin or smell like dirt for that matter. The great part about the press conference is two fold. First, it looks like it held in that gross Chinese restaurant in Ballard. I forgot what it is called, but I have had lunch there more than three times and it is creep out city. Secondly, a roving reporter is played by that lady on Where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego? We found her!!! She is at the HELLO AGAIN press conference! Score! And she is throwing some MAJOR attitude. Shelley blows off the crowd and the nay sayers and walks out the building ala Pia after delivering her Award Presentation Ceremony speech.
Later! At a fancy party that the entire cast has been invited too, sans Lucy, Sela Ward is the queen of the ball. That is until Lucy crashes the party along with her super satanic sister. SSS starts conjuring up the spirits and someone flashes the lights on and off and on and off quickly. At this very moment something fell in my back bedroom and scared the shit out of me. So now I can say I got scared during HELLO AGAIN. Lucy's husband dumps Sela Ward, but Lucy dumps her husband for Gabriel Byrne M.D. and everyone is happy I guess. The end. This has the stink of a two hour made for TV pilot.
The final credits play over a montage of photos of the entire cast marrying one another, then a montage of photos of the married couples with their children. Shelley Long is, of course, the last and she has what all girls dream of…ZOMBIE TWINS! TOO CUTE!!!
Shelley Long's portrayal of Lucy Chadman hearkens back to Ally Sheedy in MAID TO ORDER or for Deena Jones' sake, Madonna in WHO'S THAT GIRL? On paper the role seems like a good idea, but once visualized you want to kill! You want blood after having to sit through it. All in all, it is a pretty miserable experience. Director Frank Perry who created two of my favorite movies, MOMMIE DEAREST and THE SWIMMER, seems to have just filmed some shit, turned it over to the studio and let the editors have a go with their chainsaws. I imagine this is one of those films that the studio tested and preview audiences hated, so they went back and changed more stuff and filmed more scenes. Evidenced through hair styles going from shorter to longer. Not Sela Ward though. If she showed up to do any more re-takes, she made sure she looked exactly the same. Where is her OSCAR?
*******And now I can't stop calling this movie DEAD AGAIN!!!********
LOOK AT THE CHEAP ASS DVD MENU!!!
I had the most befuzzling evening the other night. I have recently found myself on this weird Shelley Long journey. With a madcap romp through OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE and TROOP BEVERLY HILLS and I decided it was time to say hello again to HELLO AGAIN.
As it started I realized that I had not seen HELLO AGAIN in over two decades. It perplexed me, because I remembered it vividly or did I? If you had asked me two days ago what I thought of HELLO AGAIN, I would most likely have replied, "It's pretty funny and I love Shelley Long". Today things changed.
The credits started and I already felt off balance. The name Susan Isaacs popped up as writer, producer and CASTING DIRECTOR! I could have screamed with delight and slight dread. Ms. Isaacs is world famous for her novel SHINING THROUGH. Yes, that Shining Through! The movie where Melanie Griffith fights Nazis and gets some of the best FOR THE BOYS aging make-up ever. That is all beside the point though. We get a close up of Long's big eyes and some of the cheapest ass rom-com music I have ever heard. We get a hurried back story of Long's character, Lucy Chadman. She is an ordinary gal with an okayish husband, played by Corbin Bernsen in his hottish years. Her barely legal son is a dreamboat though. He is an aspiring chef and wears an apron with a bandanna decorating his neck. A look that is possibly one of the fastest ways to get me in sack. But what you really need to understand is that Lucy Chadman a KLUTZ! A big one too! She falls down at the drop of a hat. She walks into a fancy party and her skirt falls down around her ankles! HA! It's funny, yo! It's like 20 minutes into the movie and I thought, "Ain't this hag dead yet? HELLO! AGAIN"!
OH! Sela Ward is in HELLO AGAIN as a best friend/arch enemy to Long's "ordinary lady" and she is the shit! She gives us some DIE NASTY realness and shoot glamor out of her ass. Judith Ivey is on board as Long's sister and she is super satanic. The director, Frank Perry, seemed to want to stir away from scary super satanic, so Ivey is funny super satanic. Problem is, she is terrible. I usually love me a Judith Ivey supporting role, but this is the pits. Shelley Long chokes to death and we have to watch her funeral with her son completely losing his SHIT and everyone super sad. FUN! Cut one year later and super satanic sister has stumbled on a spell that will bring her beloved sister back from the dead. ONE YEAR LATER! Honey, I read Pet Sematary, I know what they come back like! HELLO! AGAIN!
So one day, Lucy shows back up and has discovered that her husband has dealt with his grief by banging Sela Ward (is there any other way?) and marrying her! Lucy bust up in her home and finds Sela getting busy in her OWN BED! Also, her son is a famous cook and married to some ugly girl,but no one cares.
She is not a ghost, because you cannot walk through her. She goes to the doctor to get blood test and x-rays, once AGAIN (!) proving she was dead but now isn't? I'm cornfused. Well, now what do you do with her? She loves her Coke (proud sponsor of HELLO AGAIN) and she is DYING to know what is happening on Knots Landing. My kinda fresh out of the grave gal. We get baker's dozen dead mom jokes, all flat lining, a couple more pratfalls in which you hope they result in a death inducing accident and lots of leg! Oh, Shelley has legs for days and she is gonna show 'em off. Then, Super Satanic Sister informs Lucy that she needs to find true love by the first moon after her revival and she has less than a month to do so! GIT IT GIRL!! There is some pre- Troop Beverly Hills high fashion, which is fun, but without the yuks. She also is forced back into the hospital for some reason and meets cutie Gabriel Byrne M.D. She has to take some Exorcist 2 testing and walks down the hall with her hospital gown flapping open and showing her BUTT! There is the yuk!
Lucy decides to embrace her dead self and say to the world….all together now….HELLO AGAIN! She embarks on a world wide rainbow tour of the continents kissing babies, giving lectures and shopping and apparently forgetting her "must find true love in a month" curse. Or maybe there was not a moon that month and she got a get out of the grave free pass. She morphs into a fame monster for a little while but learns a valuable lesson and helps troubled kids. There is this little girl named Lil' Debbie who won't stop looking at the camera. She tries really, really hard not to do it, but she just can't help it. I would look too.
Sela Ward gets mad and holds a press conference to prove that Lucy Chadman is a fake and a phony. She claims that Lucy never really died because she doesn't have cobwebs in her pussy or worms under her skin or smell like dirt for that matter. The great part about the press conference is two fold. First, it looks like it held in that gross Chinese restaurant in Ballard. I forgot what it is called, but I have had lunch there more than three times and it is creep out city. Secondly, a roving reporter is played by that lady on Where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego? We found her!!! She is at the HELLO AGAIN press conference! Score! And she is throwing some MAJOR attitude. Shelley blows off the crowd and the nay sayers and walks out the building ala Pia after delivering her Award Presentation Ceremony speech.
Later! At a fancy party that the entire cast has been invited too, sans Lucy, Sela Ward is the queen of the ball. That is until Lucy crashes the party along with her super satanic sister. SSS starts conjuring up the spirits and someone flashes the lights on and off and on and off quickly. At this very moment something fell in my back bedroom and scared the shit out of me. So now I can say I got scared during HELLO AGAIN. Lucy's husband dumps Sela Ward, but Lucy dumps her husband for Gabriel Byrne M.D. and everyone is happy I guess. The end. This has the stink of a two hour made for TV pilot.
The final credits play over a montage of photos of the entire cast marrying one another, then a montage of photos of the married couples with their children. Shelley Long is, of course, the last and she has what all girls dream of…ZOMBIE TWINS! TOO CUTE!!!
Shelley Long's portrayal of Lucy Chadman hearkens back to Ally Sheedy in MAID TO ORDER or for Deena Jones' sake, Madonna in WHO'S THAT GIRL? On paper the role seems like a good idea, but once visualized you want to kill! You want blood after having to sit through it. All in all, it is a pretty miserable experience. Director Frank Perry who created two of my favorite movies, MOMMIE DEAREST and THE SWIMMER, seems to have just filmed some shit, turned it over to the studio and let the editors have a go with their chainsaws. I imagine this is one of those films that the studio tested and preview audiences hated, so they went back and changed more stuff and filmed more scenes. Evidenced through hair styles going from shorter to longer. Not Sela Ward though. If she showed up to do any more re-takes, she made sure she looked exactly the same. Where is her OSCAR?
*******And now I can't stop calling this movie DEAD AGAIN!!!********
LOOK AT THE CHEAP ASS DVD MENU!!!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
UGH: THE COMPUTER WORE TENNIS SHOES
I fucking love Kurt Russell. He is so hot. Naturally, 80's Kurt is my favorite. Escape From New York, Big Trouble In Little China, OverBoard and The Thing sealed the deal with for me. THEN he goes and rips DEATH PROOF a new tailpipe. Kurt RULES! I thought it would be an interesting journey into what made Kurt who he, so I started at the beginning. SHIT. I should have known. First off, whenever my BF mentions that he loves a live action Disney film that is a guarantee that it is a piece of shit. They are usually really dated and OVER long and a lot of the charm has been rubbed off over the years. But sans mullet, Kurt Russell goes all fresh faced and wide eyed with the UGHEST of the UGH in THE COMPUTER WORE TENNIS SHOES!
First off, the menu on the DVD will make you crazy. Dirty ole Tinkerbell comes flying in at volume 1,000 and will blow your TV speakers out. You can't get to the remote fast enough. Dirty ole Tinkerbell! But with a BF promise of Kurt Russell in hot kicks and a brief discussion on the merits of HOCUS POCUS, I settled in with the old Buena Vista font. TCWTS came out in 1969. The same year as Midnight Cowboy, True Grit, The Sterile Cuckoo and one of my favorite movies THE LOVE BUG! I must say, a pleasant year. TCWTS already seems outdated even in 1969.
Kurt Russell plays a college student named Dexter and he is super dreamy. The student body, made up of about 25 white kids and one black dude. They use the back in the day version of a Smart Phone (Walkie Talkie) to spy on the college administers as they discuss the civil unrest and "progress" that is happening on campus. Uh, the kids are all eating lunch and they are acting like it is Kent State. A big ass computer is being built on campus and the students spend a lot of time computing things into the computer. It is kinda too stupid. They don't seem to doing any "progress" or having any "unrest," but Kurt Russell does don a jacket that I will be dreaming about for the rest of my life.
One stormy night, Dexter goes into the lab and it is ZAPPED! time and he gets the brain of a computer! He doesn't actually turn into a computer ala "Automatic Lover" which I hoped for. He just gets real smart and immediately drops out of college, because he is the smartest person in the world, why give way your money, honey! If I had a computer for a brain and I would totally wear tennis shoes. He becomes the toast of the world and even gets his own stock footage parade. You know you have arrived when you get your own stock footage parade. He watches diamonds being cut, he travels to Cape Cod and watches a missile go in the air and SUDDENLY his friends are allowed to hang out with him by APPOINTMENT ONLY! It is like The Douche Bag Computer That Wore Tennis Shoes.
The movie goes at a snail pace and doesn't really ever seem to get anywhere.I like to call it drifting. If a movie is going to do this then I am going to have a full on conversation about my favorite live action Disney film WATCHER IN THE WOODS. My BF claims it is "Too Soon" to watch it again. The film features two extended sequences involving two of the most BORING things ever. Math questions and horse races. You know anytime a movie cast goes to the race track we are going to be subjected to an entire stock footage horse race. Get me some nachos and a Budweiser in a bottle if I EVER have to sit through a horse race. AND MATH QUESTIONS?!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I don't even want to talk about it. The last 40 minutes is painful. Kurt gets kidnapped, but his college buddies, even though he was rude to them, pretend to be house painters and BUST him out! Just in time to get him to the smart person quiz show, but it seems his computer brain can't find a good connection, i'm guessing he was downloading too much porn and he goes back to cute but dumb as a box of hair. Luckily, a ginger headed nerd saves the day and Kurt's friends like him again and he goes back to college. The last frame is someone asking Kurt a question and he thinks real hard and replies, "Heck, I don't know!" THAT'S IT! NO CREDITS. The end. Get gone.
I guess I get it now that I am a grown ass man. These shitty live action Disney films were all hits, because parents could dump their kids off at the theater and be done with them for a while. I would have done it too. Sadly, I realized that TCTWTS has not one, but TWO sequels!
I will need a ton of nachos and a six pack of bottled Bud to get through those. Ugh. Dirty Ole Tinkerbell.
First off, the menu on the DVD will make you crazy. Dirty ole Tinkerbell comes flying in at volume 1,000 and will blow your TV speakers out. You can't get to the remote fast enough. Dirty ole Tinkerbell! But with a BF promise of Kurt Russell in hot kicks and a brief discussion on the merits of HOCUS POCUS, I settled in with the old Buena Vista font. TCWTS came out in 1969. The same year as Midnight Cowboy, True Grit, The Sterile Cuckoo and one of my favorite movies THE LOVE BUG! I must say, a pleasant year. TCWTS already seems outdated even in 1969.
Kurt Russell plays a college student named Dexter and he is super dreamy. The student body, made up of about 25 white kids and one black dude. They use the back in the day version of a Smart Phone (Walkie Talkie) to spy on the college administers as they discuss the civil unrest and "progress" that is happening on campus. Uh, the kids are all eating lunch and they are acting like it is Kent State. A big ass computer is being built on campus and the students spend a lot of time computing things into the computer. It is kinda too stupid. They don't seem to doing any "progress" or having any "unrest," but Kurt Russell does don a jacket that I will be dreaming about for the rest of my life.
One stormy night, Dexter goes into the lab and it is ZAPPED! time and he gets the brain of a computer! He doesn't actually turn into a computer ala "Automatic Lover" which I hoped for. He just gets real smart and immediately drops out of college, because he is the smartest person in the world, why give way your money, honey! If I had a computer for a brain and I would totally wear tennis shoes. He becomes the toast of the world and even gets his own stock footage parade. You know you have arrived when you get your own stock footage parade. He watches diamonds being cut, he travels to Cape Cod and watches a missile go in the air and SUDDENLY his friends are allowed to hang out with him by APPOINTMENT ONLY! It is like The Douche Bag Computer That Wore Tennis Shoes.
The movie goes at a snail pace and doesn't really ever seem to get anywhere.I like to call it drifting. If a movie is going to do this then I am going to have a full on conversation about my favorite live action Disney film WATCHER IN THE WOODS. My BF claims it is "Too Soon" to watch it again. The film features two extended sequences involving two of the most BORING things ever. Math questions and horse races. You know anytime a movie cast goes to the race track we are going to be subjected to an entire stock footage horse race. Get me some nachos and a Budweiser in a bottle if I EVER have to sit through a horse race. AND MATH QUESTIONS?!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I don't even want to talk about it. The last 40 minutes is painful. Kurt gets kidnapped, but his college buddies, even though he was rude to them, pretend to be house painters and BUST him out! Just in time to get him to the smart person quiz show, but it seems his computer brain can't find a good connection, i'm guessing he was downloading too much porn and he goes back to cute but dumb as a box of hair. Luckily, a ginger headed nerd saves the day and Kurt's friends like him again and he goes back to college. The last frame is someone asking Kurt a question and he thinks real hard and replies, "Heck, I don't know!" THAT'S IT! NO CREDITS. The end. Get gone.
I guess I get it now that I am a grown ass man. These shitty live action Disney films were all hits, because parents could dump their kids off at the theater and be done with them for a while. I would have done it too. Sadly, I realized that TCTWTS has not one, but TWO sequels!
I will need a ton of nachos and a six pack of bottled Bud to get through those. Ugh. Dirty Ole Tinkerbell.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
HIGH OCTANE: ROBOCOP 2
It is a fact. Nancy Allen always puts me in a better mood. My standbys are DRESSED TO KILL, STRANGE INVADERS, CARRIE and SWEET REVENGE, but for some reason I got a bad case of the number two's and wanted to watch ROBOCOP 2. Even though she is second billed, it seems more like a "sometimes starring" Nancy Allen, cuz she just pops up here and there. But some nights you gotta roll with it. The groundwork for the Robocop series was paved by a man driving a steamroller, ever talented and charming Paul Verhoeven and the second one is directed by Irvin Kershner of the awesome EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and the even awesome-ER,EYES OF LAURA MARS, so we know we are in good hands. What we get is a dumpy water downed version of the first film. Where the first installment is a social commentary on the state of law enforcement and violence in the media, the second one seems to take these ideas and pump up to gargantuan portions without having really any redeeming quality what so ever, but damn if it ain't a crackerjack of a film!
The movie kicks off with a slam banger, then a cut to Leeza Gibbons. As her big haired face graced the screen I vaguely remember on Entertainment Tonight there was a big buzz about her being in the movie. I think I actually thought she was the star, but she is just a TV reporter. What a stretch. In the first ten minutes we really that Robocop has to progress with in the future/present/now past landscape of Detroit. Evil drug dealers peddling their shit to kids, cult leaders of the damned, tough as nails hookers and even the fucking union. You can feel the energy building and you are just WAITING for Robocop to bust it out! Suddenly, a cop car speeds in the frame and out steps a mechanical foot and you know this set piece of knocked over trash cans and hobos is about to BLOW! Robocop does a quick scan of the area and crime are EVERYWHERE! You know this because his helmet can pick up crime vibes and flashes a message stating, "CRIME IN PROGRESS!" Good to know. Nancy Allen fresh off one of my favorite THIRDS (Poltergeist 3) pops up and is in major stealth mode. She can sneak around a black lit alley like nobody's business. Things blow up, bad guys are killed and Robocop is in a MASSIVE bad mood.
RoboCop is different now. He seems to be remembering things. We get tossed into a flashback involving a baby and some gun fire, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was snapped back into reality when they removed RoboCop's damaged helmet and we get some real PETER WELLER FACE! WHOA! It's super gross. He has some major BRAZIL face. It has been stretched and held together by nuts and bolts. AND we are only 20 minutes into the movie. I think I am in LOVE with this movie.
So remember in the first RoboCop and then later in Starship Troopers, Verhoeven gave us some great socio-political funny fake commercials? Just sprinkled in for shits and giggles? Well, Number two has them also and they ain't funny. We do get some Chase Bank realness though. It truly is how you feel treated after you leave one of their branches. Some dude with a Darth Vader voice plays a bad guy and a sexy lady, played by Belinda Bauer are out to create the ultimate killing machine, but they can't seem to get it right. The best part of the film is them trying all the proto types and then watching them fail miserably. Lab techs are shot, buildings are destroyed, but it is pretty grand entertainment.
The bad guys have tried everything to continue to commit crime without getting murdered by RoboCop, but it is hard. So, they have devised a brilliant plan! Have a kid be the drug dealer, because Robocop can't kill kids! And what a kid drug dealer he is! He is hateful, curses like a nun on the run and shoots machine guns. I just imagine this boy LOVING his job. His best scene is with Nancy Allen after she tries to bust up in the joint. He jumps her and wraps a chain around her neck and says, "LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE OUT OF BREATH BITCH!" Her face is priceless.
We get some Beth Grant Executive Realness (for realz!) trying to explain how robots have feelings. Bitch, I saw Wall-E. Don't hand me this crap. But the bad guys unleash another Robocop. This one isn't so nice and doesn't mind wiping out an entire little league baseball team. Blood and guts and all! Poor Motor City Muskrats. You do feel sorry for the kids as they are being mowed down. We get a shit storm of bullets and a fucking great Nancy Allen stunt double. Nancy climbs on things and looks over, but doesn't do the really dangerous stuff, like jumping or driving a car at normal speed. I wouldn't either! Nice Robocop shows up on a motorcycle that is screaming action figure accessory and Nancy almost punches the evil boss lady in the face! Harpo from The Color Purple shows up and the little mean kid says, "Don't be a queer!" The city is a battleground as good robocop and bad robocop battle it out and a slam bang maelstrom of high octane excitement and low octane acting. The credits roll and I was so pleased they didn't kill Nancy off!
Robocop 2 does what most sequels do. They rape the first film and try their damnest to make the sequel look and feel better, but they almost always fail to live up to the original. You can argue for days with nerds about sequels that are far superior to the originals. I agree there are some, but Robocop 2 is not one of them. While super fun and SUPER over the top (I try to get a Stallone shout out as much as possible) it just doesn't have the heart the first one had. And that is saying a lot!
I must point out that Robocop 2 taught me a very valuable lesson. When hiring a sound effects guy, always get the best. Like Travolta in BLOW-OUT, you need someone is going to go the distance. Stephen Hunter Flick I bow down to you! You did an amazing job with the sound effects. Everything that is gross, SOUNDS even grosser! YUCK! Suzanne Vega was right. Blood does make noise.
P.S. Can I just tell you how fucking bad I want the three issue ROBOCOP 2 Marvel tie-in comic book?!!
The movie kicks off with a slam banger, then a cut to Leeza Gibbons. As her big haired face graced the screen I vaguely remember on Entertainment Tonight there was a big buzz about her being in the movie. I think I actually thought she was the star, but she is just a TV reporter. What a stretch. In the first ten minutes we really that Robocop has to progress with in the future/present/now past landscape of Detroit. Evil drug dealers peddling their shit to kids, cult leaders of the damned, tough as nails hookers and even the fucking union. You can feel the energy building and you are just WAITING for Robocop to bust it out! Suddenly, a cop car speeds in the frame and out steps a mechanical foot and you know this set piece of knocked over trash cans and hobos is about to BLOW! Robocop does a quick scan of the area and crime are EVERYWHERE! You know this because his helmet can pick up crime vibes and flashes a message stating, "CRIME IN PROGRESS!" Good to know. Nancy Allen fresh off one of my favorite THIRDS (Poltergeist 3) pops up and is in major stealth mode. She can sneak around a black lit alley like nobody's business. Things blow up, bad guys are killed and Robocop is in a MASSIVE bad mood.
RoboCop is different now. He seems to be remembering things. We get tossed into a flashback involving a baby and some gun fire, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was snapped back into reality when they removed RoboCop's damaged helmet and we get some real PETER WELLER FACE! WHOA! It's super gross. He has some major BRAZIL face. It has been stretched and held together by nuts and bolts. AND we are only 20 minutes into the movie. I think I am in LOVE with this movie.
So remember in the first RoboCop and then later in Starship Troopers, Verhoeven gave us some great socio-political funny fake commercials? Just sprinkled in for shits and giggles? Well, Number two has them also and they ain't funny. We do get some Chase Bank realness though. It truly is how you feel treated after you leave one of their branches. Some dude with a Darth Vader voice plays a bad guy and a sexy lady, played by Belinda Bauer are out to create the ultimate killing machine, but they can't seem to get it right. The best part of the film is them trying all the proto types and then watching them fail miserably. Lab techs are shot, buildings are destroyed, but it is pretty grand entertainment.
The bad guys have tried everything to continue to commit crime without getting murdered by RoboCop, but it is hard. So, they have devised a brilliant plan! Have a kid be the drug dealer, because Robocop can't kill kids! And what a kid drug dealer he is! He is hateful, curses like a nun on the run and shoots machine guns. I just imagine this boy LOVING his job. His best scene is with Nancy Allen after she tries to bust up in the joint. He jumps her and wraps a chain around her neck and says, "LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE OUT OF BREATH BITCH!" Her face is priceless.
We get some Beth Grant Executive Realness (for realz!) trying to explain how robots have feelings. Bitch, I saw Wall-E. Don't hand me this crap. But the bad guys unleash another Robocop. This one isn't so nice and doesn't mind wiping out an entire little league baseball team. Blood and guts and all! Poor Motor City Muskrats. You do feel sorry for the kids as they are being mowed down. We get a shit storm of bullets and a fucking great Nancy Allen stunt double. Nancy climbs on things and looks over, but doesn't do the really dangerous stuff, like jumping or driving a car at normal speed. I wouldn't either! Nice Robocop shows up on a motorcycle that is screaming action figure accessory and Nancy almost punches the evil boss lady in the face! Harpo from The Color Purple shows up and the little mean kid says, "Don't be a queer!" The city is a battleground as good robocop and bad robocop battle it out and a slam bang maelstrom of high octane excitement and low octane acting. The credits roll and I was so pleased they didn't kill Nancy off!
Robocop 2 does what most sequels do. They rape the first film and try their damnest to make the sequel look and feel better, but they almost always fail to live up to the original. You can argue for days with nerds about sequels that are far superior to the originals. I agree there are some, but Robocop 2 is not one of them. While super fun and SUPER over the top (I try to get a Stallone shout out as much as possible) it just doesn't have the heart the first one had. And that is saying a lot!
I must point out that Robocop 2 taught me a very valuable lesson. When hiring a sound effects guy, always get the best. Like Travolta in BLOW-OUT, you need someone is going to go the distance. Stephen Hunter Flick I bow down to you! You did an amazing job with the sound effects. Everything that is gross, SOUNDS even grosser! YUCK! Suzanne Vega was right. Blood does make noise.
P.S. Can I just tell you how fucking bad I want the three issue ROBOCOP 2 Marvel tie-in comic book?!!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
DON'T: FEAR
Don't get fingerbanged at the Seattle Center.
I don't get Mark Wahlberg. I was a "Good Vibrations" fan, but that was about it. I wasn't attracted to his body or his charms. I was shocked by just how incredible he was in Boogie Nights and I still love to watch it, but that is where my Wahberg level ends. At last years Academy Award Ceremony he rapped with a reporter on the red carpet and kept giving the crowd a "Thumbs Up". It seemed odd and when questioned by an inquiring mind of the reporter, Wahlberg claimed that he was giving the crowd a big thumbs up for supporting him. He kept his back mostly to the screaming fans, but always flashed a thumbs up. The reporter, like most people, shrugged it off and looked for Gwyneth. That moment has stuck with me for months now and I decided to go to a BadMovieArt alumni for guidance. James Foley, the mastermind behind Who's That Girl?, Reckless, Perfect Stranger and Glengarry Glen Ross (EAT IT HATERS!). Foley had the answer I was looking for. FEAR.
If you are a long time resident of Seattle or a recent transplant, one of the many joys of FEAR (and there are lots) is getting to play "Look for your old apartment" or "Look for where you work" during the sweeping cityscape of Seattle during the opening credits. It's fun. PROMISE! The title cards cut the screen like a knife slicing meat and establishes a sense of "OH SHIT!" Look close...THE KING DOME! OLD SKOOL SEATTLE! CHEERS!
The opening scene is very sexy, as Reese Witherspoon fresh off FREEWAY, but not yet CRUEL INTENTIONS era, takes a long leisurely shower. If you are playing even the slightest attention, you realize she must be up at five in the morning to get ready for school because it seems her parents live in the Three Tree Point area, but she goes to Queen Anne High. So if you want to take a long sexy shower you got to be an early bird! She comes be-booping down the stairs in bobby socks, Mary Jane heels,a frown and an Ally McBeal skirt. Like a sexy 12 year old. With angst! It makes you feel weird. Suddenly, we are tossed hit with two MAJOR clues, so you gotta pay attention. It seems that Reese's dad can run real fast! He is pretty sexy when he runs. DILF through and through. Reese's lil' brother, Toby, learns how to use a dog whistle and their HUGE German shepard comes bounding out of Nowheresville. Reese has the worst step mom EVER! Like, seriously. She is a complete hag. I think she might be mentality disturbed or something. And the fact that she is played by Amy Brenneman doesn't really help the situation. Immediately, I thought, " Toby will save the day."
Reese and her best gal pal, played by Alyssa Milano, who is in pre-CHARMED mode so that means she will show her tits, head to Pioneer Square around 4:00 in the afternoon. They go to hang out in a bar, back in the day when teens could just walk into a bar and smoke as many cigarettes as they please. Reese spies the only gay guy there, in too baggy jeans and his UnderArmor long sleeve black tee TUCKED INTO HIS PANTS. He is playing pool and he is played by Marky Mark himself. Suddenly, he isn't gay and starts to eye Reese. They flirt, meet cute and he begins his plan to get in her pants. The great thing about this scene is the spot on 90's Seattle fashion. It was all the things that I dreamed people were wearing in Seattle before I moved here. Very "Smells Like Teen Spirit". He invites them to a RAVE down on the docks by Occidential where heavies carry Uzis! Lots of fetish POWER STATION/PANACHA realness and OMG! boys kissing! It's CRAZY!
After Sexy Dad and Mean Stepmother rake Reese across the coals because she broke her curfew, they demand to meet this Marky Mark character. He is charming and all smiles, but at the house we first see the tell tale signs that all is not well in the mind of the leader of the Funky Bunch. After a lecture about the curfew, he sets a clock back a hour. Just one clock. But I am guessing it is the family's go to clock. Then, he yells at Reese, "GET ME A COKE!" The entire family gives him the stink eye and it is one of my favorite product placements to be used in a movie.
So, it is off to the Seattle Center Fun Fair for a little toot off the peace pipe and an unforgettable roller coaster ride. As The Sundays cover of "Wild Horses" play, Reese gets finger banged by Walhberg, all while navigating all the twist and turns of the roller coaster. Once my friend had his birthday party at the SCFF and first off, the roller coaster depicted in FEAR in nothing like the actually roller coaster and the birthday boy REFUSED to let me sing "Wild Horses" and finger bang him. It was worth a shot though. Reese is so in love with him after getting finger banged that she gives him the security code to her house (CLUE!!) and the parents announce that they are going to go away for the weekend, leaving Reese and lil' bro, Toby all alone. Walhberg visits and has some sexy time with Reese, but then beat her best gay to a bloody pulp. This is the moment when anyone would break up with him and tell your parents. What does Reese do? Well, she cries and tries to figure out why Marky Mark would beat her best gay to almost death and then stupid Mean Stepmom SIDES WITH MARKY MARK!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! He ain't that cute. They allow him back to their house and have a pool party even though for most of the movie you can see their breath whenever they are outside. But as Mean Step mom emerges from the pool to greet Sexy Dad, she explains, "Don't you just love an Indian Summer". Honey, its November.
Reese goes to meet him at a party in what seems to be Puyallup. Don't ever go to a party in Puyallup. Trust me. She sees Alyssa smoking crack and then getting raped by Marky Mark. So what does she do? She doesn't tell her parents!!! But she eats a lot of chocolate. Alyssa has a freak out when Reese confronts and screams, "You're my only friend!" and turns out a killer performance, but totally sets the scene up for her to be Reese's dead best friend. Marky Mark is busy working on a homemade tattoo across his chest that reads REESE 4 EVA. Reese's best gay is up and walking around so he decides to take a shortcut home through the woods and gets beat to death. FEAR! Marky Mark goes bat shit for REALZ and the big finale involves all the clues you have been collecting through the movie, plus Reese's hair goes from wet to dry to wet to dry and back again and of course, Toby has to save the day, because he is the only with any good sense. His escape and plan to stop Marky Mark is brilliant and IT WORKS!
The movie feels like a slightly dirtier version of a Made for TV movie and in that sense that a bunch of exciting stuff happens in the first twenty minutes, then it levels out into kinda boring, then has a BIG chase scene. Reese went on to become an A list Hollywood celeb and snatched herself an Oscar for playing June Carter and Marky Mark just went on to be Marky Mark. The oddest thing about FEAR is that the highly sought after soundtrack was never released. It is the stuff of motion picture soundtrack legend now. To this day, people still get pissed when you mention FEAR and the non existence of its soundtrack. As far as teen sexy thriller goes, it is pretty much standard, but as far as teen sexy thrillers set and filmed around Vancouver B.C. and Seattle is the BEST!
I don't get Mark Wahlberg. I was a "Good Vibrations" fan, but that was about it. I wasn't attracted to his body or his charms. I was shocked by just how incredible he was in Boogie Nights and I still love to watch it, but that is where my Wahberg level ends. At last years Academy Award Ceremony he rapped with a reporter on the red carpet and kept giving the crowd a "Thumbs Up". It seemed odd and when questioned by an inquiring mind of the reporter, Wahlberg claimed that he was giving the crowd a big thumbs up for supporting him. He kept his back mostly to the screaming fans, but always flashed a thumbs up. The reporter, like most people, shrugged it off and looked for Gwyneth. That moment has stuck with me for months now and I decided to go to a BadMovieArt alumni for guidance. James Foley, the mastermind behind Who's That Girl?, Reckless, Perfect Stranger and Glengarry Glen Ross (EAT IT HATERS!). Foley had the answer I was looking for. FEAR.
If you are a long time resident of Seattle or a recent transplant, one of the many joys of FEAR (and there are lots) is getting to play "Look for your old apartment" or "Look for where you work" during the sweeping cityscape of Seattle during the opening credits. It's fun. PROMISE! The title cards cut the screen like a knife slicing meat and establishes a sense of "OH SHIT!" Look close...THE KING DOME! OLD SKOOL SEATTLE! CHEERS!
The opening scene is very sexy, as Reese Witherspoon fresh off FREEWAY, but not yet CRUEL INTENTIONS era, takes a long leisurely shower. If you are playing even the slightest attention, you realize she must be up at five in the morning to get ready for school because it seems her parents live in the Three Tree Point area, but she goes to Queen Anne High. So if you want to take a long sexy shower you got to be an early bird! She comes be-booping down the stairs in bobby socks, Mary Jane heels,a frown and an Ally McBeal skirt. Like a sexy 12 year old. With angst! It makes you feel weird. Suddenly, we are tossed hit with two MAJOR clues, so you gotta pay attention. It seems that Reese's dad can run real fast! He is pretty sexy when he runs. DILF through and through. Reese's lil' brother, Toby, learns how to use a dog whistle and their HUGE German shepard comes bounding out of Nowheresville. Reese has the worst step mom EVER! Like, seriously. She is a complete hag. I think she might be mentality disturbed or something. And the fact that she is played by Amy Brenneman doesn't really help the situation. Immediately, I thought, " Toby will save the day."
Reese and her best gal pal, played by Alyssa Milano, who is in pre-CHARMED mode so that means she will show her tits, head to Pioneer Square around 4:00 in the afternoon. They go to hang out in a bar, back in the day when teens could just walk into a bar and smoke as many cigarettes as they please. Reese spies the only gay guy there, in too baggy jeans and his UnderArmor long sleeve black tee TUCKED INTO HIS PANTS. He is playing pool and he is played by Marky Mark himself. Suddenly, he isn't gay and starts to eye Reese. They flirt, meet cute and he begins his plan to get in her pants. The great thing about this scene is the spot on 90's Seattle fashion. It was all the things that I dreamed people were wearing in Seattle before I moved here. Very "Smells Like Teen Spirit". He invites them to a RAVE down on the docks by Occidential where heavies carry Uzis! Lots of fetish POWER STATION/PANACHA realness and OMG! boys kissing! It's CRAZY!
After Sexy Dad and Mean Stepmother rake Reese across the coals because she broke her curfew, they demand to meet this Marky Mark character. He is charming and all smiles, but at the house we first see the tell tale signs that all is not well in the mind of the leader of the Funky Bunch. After a lecture about the curfew, he sets a clock back a hour. Just one clock. But I am guessing it is the family's go to clock. Then, he yells at Reese, "GET ME A COKE!" The entire family gives him the stink eye and it is one of my favorite product placements to be used in a movie.
So, it is off to the Seattle Center Fun Fair for a little toot off the peace pipe and an unforgettable roller coaster ride. As The Sundays cover of "Wild Horses" play, Reese gets finger banged by Walhberg, all while navigating all the twist and turns of the roller coaster. Once my friend had his birthday party at the SCFF and first off, the roller coaster depicted in FEAR in nothing like the actually roller coaster and the birthday boy REFUSED to let me sing "Wild Horses" and finger bang him. It was worth a shot though. Reese is so in love with him after getting finger banged that she gives him the security code to her house (CLUE!!) and the parents announce that they are going to go away for the weekend, leaving Reese and lil' bro, Toby all alone. Walhberg visits and has some sexy time with Reese, but then beat her best gay to a bloody pulp. This is the moment when anyone would break up with him and tell your parents. What does Reese do? Well, she cries and tries to figure out why Marky Mark would beat her best gay to almost death and then stupid Mean Stepmom SIDES WITH MARKY MARK!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! He ain't that cute. They allow him back to their house and have a pool party even though for most of the movie you can see their breath whenever they are outside. But as Mean Step mom emerges from the pool to greet Sexy Dad, she explains, "Don't you just love an Indian Summer". Honey, its November.
Reese goes to meet him at a party in what seems to be Puyallup. Don't ever go to a party in Puyallup. Trust me. She sees Alyssa smoking crack and then getting raped by Marky Mark. So what does she do? She doesn't tell her parents!!! But she eats a lot of chocolate. Alyssa has a freak out when Reese confronts and screams, "You're my only friend!" and turns out a killer performance, but totally sets the scene up for her to be Reese's dead best friend. Marky Mark is busy working on a homemade tattoo across his chest that reads REESE 4 EVA. Reese's best gay is up and walking around so he decides to take a shortcut home through the woods and gets beat to death. FEAR! Marky Mark goes bat shit for REALZ and the big finale involves all the clues you have been collecting through the movie, plus Reese's hair goes from wet to dry to wet to dry and back again and of course, Toby has to save the day, because he is the only with any good sense. His escape and plan to stop Marky Mark is brilliant and IT WORKS!
The movie feels like a slightly dirtier version of a Made for TV movie and in that sense that a bunch of exciting stuff happens in the first twenty minutes, then it levels out into kinda boring, then has a BIG chase scene. Reese went on to become an A list Hollywood celeb and snatched herself an Oscar for playing June Carter and Marky Mark just went on to be Marky Mark. The oddest thing about FEAR is that the highly sought after soundtrack was never released. It is the stuff of motion picture soundtrack legend now. To this day, people still get pissed when you mention FEAR and the non existence of its soundtrack. As far as teen sexy thriller goes, it is pretty much standard, but as far as teen sexy thrillers set and filmed around Vancouver B.C. and Seattle is the BEST!
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