Sunday, September 5, 2010


Take two parts Valley Girl/ one part Porky's and mix in a little My Chauffeur and you have the amazing film VALET GIRLS!! If you are going to park it, you should do as the tag line reads and PARK IT WITH THE BEST!

The set up is simple enough. Three dumb California surfer types work for a valet company. They are mediocre at best. Luckily for us, the head dumb surfer type is Steve Lyon, better known as CAMPUS MAN!!!
We are talking MAJOR Dreamboat action going on here. If you haven't seen Campus Man, you should dash out and see it. Back to the girls...

So two gals, Lucy and Rosalind, have a small start up valet parking services for the richest of the rich in the Beverly Hills, but they just need that big break in the valet parking business. When they run up against the boys and decide that they can do a better job than three dumb boys, they overtake the valet parking service and the owner of the company completely changes the mood of his valet parking service and gets the girls to dress in mid-80's Madonna lace and successories, makes them custom jackets that read VALET GIRLS in cool 80's font and gives them one chance to prove their parking skills. To help them out, he tosses in his latest girlfriend, Carnation. She is fresh off the bus from a small town just outside of Biloxi, Mississippi!!!! HELLO!!! PICAYUNE!!! She has no parking experiences, but is willing to learn. Set over the course of one night, the three girls have only a good 12 hours to make a name for themselves, find love, lose love, learn to love themselves a little more, learn some valuable lessons, get tossed in a pool and dry out and have brunch under the Hollywood sign. I tell ya, VALET GIRLS launches into full on GIT IT GIRL mode, quickly.

With one foot in the door, the girls set in motion many, many schemes to bust into the rich Hollywood elite party after parking their clients cars and make a name for themselves. Lucy is hell bent on a recording career and is willing to do just about anything to make it big!! Well, just about anything. Her big chance comes early in the party, when she catches a music producer getting ready to bang a Madonna wanna-be. After, she turns down his advances and he tells her that she will never work in this town again, Lucy storms out, intending to never sell herself out for a record deal. Madonna wanna-be turns to the music producer and says, "Is this how Madonna started out? Pia Zadora? What about Vanity?!" HOLY SHIT! You get a Madonna reference from a girl dressed as Like a Virgin era Madonna, then you get a Pia and Vanity reference. Listen, VALET GIRLS is good stuff.

So it seems Rosalind, who has a Lady Swan/Kevin Costner Robin Hood British accent, use to date Campus Man, but they just became different people, but they both still park cars. There is something in common. They just can't seem to make it work. When the boys decide to bust up the party and ruin it for the girls, he feels bad about it, but still dresses up in a chicken costume and pours ants and spiders all over the food. JERK!

The party goes full force when a mermaid shows up, then a thin Ron Jeremy (non nude role) shows up and the coke starts flowing like a river. The Valet girls siege their chance to overtake the party. Lucy sneaks onto the stage and quietly instructs the band and BUST THE SHIT OUT!!! She starts doing some of the most amazing coke kicks I have ever seen! LEGS!!
Her anthem "The Reach (do the reach)" has the kids pumping their fist in the air as Lucy sings about reaching up and reaching out. Helping yourself, while helping others. A good message song. As if that weren't enough, we get a second song called "Heartless Love" and then i realized just how much Lucy looked like Adam Lambert and decided that Adam should totally remake VALET GIRLS as VALET GAYS and play the role as Lucy. Very exciting stuff!

Carny's boyfriend arrives from Picayune to marry her country ass. Now the role of Archie Lee Samples is very,very important. VALET GIRLS gets deep with his character. It is a hard role to play, but luckily for us, the ALWAYS amazing John Terlesky tackles the role. John is BADMOVIEART alumni based on his tremendous work in the the films Chopping Mall, The AllNighter, and Deathstalker II. The gals, going undercover as Nerd Girls, enlist Archie Lee Samples to help them frame a record producer into some compromising positions. For some reason, Archie Lee Samples has to do this all in drag. Even though, the only people who know him in L.A. and have seen him at the party are the three Valet Girls. Sneaking into the party, the girls quickly change from their Nerd Girls costumes to cute party going outfits. But for some reason Archie Lee Samples keeps his drag on and mingles with the guest for the rest of the movie.

After the boss bust them for all their scheming, he proclaims that they will NEVER PARK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN and they pull a take this job and shove it moment. Lucy gets her recording deal, Carny blows off her boss/boyfriend and agrees to marry Archie Lee Samples. Rosy cooks up a great way to get back at the valet boys for trying to ruin their lives. She coyly invites them all to Sunday brunch. The three boys meet the girls under the Hollywood sign and are forced to strip and climb the sign! And the girls all form a kick line and kick it out until the credits roll. AND Archie Lee Samples is there and is STILL in a dress!!!!!

Valet Girls is one of those films that just makes you crazy from its awesomeness. By the end of the movie, you are left spent! I tell ya! SPENT!!! And it has one of my new favorite movie quotes ever. "From now on I only fuck for fun!" YOU TELL EM!!! I must give a big shout out to Kim Gillingham as the Madonna-wannabe (as she is credited in the cast list). She totally nails it. Damita Jo Freeman (choreographer to the stars) works with Lucy to really give her stage performance that edge it really needs to WOW the crowd. Did I mention lots and lots of high kicks. And low kicks too.

John Terlesky I love you!!!

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