Friday, August 27, 2010


From the opening credits that feature interlocking fashion blocks with Patti Labelle wailing over the titles to the The Euryhtmics song playing over the end credits, while the two lead actors have a fake fight, you can only feel like you are OUTRAGEOUS!!

Penned by Leslie Dixon, the screenplay weaves a magical tale of blaring plot devices, over the top action sequences and two dueling divas. It's like Beaches on steroids. It's Outrageous Fortune. The action film for gays and moms!!!

Arthur Hiller has always skated around making a hit movie. He even directed the now classic piece of gay cinema, MAKING LOVE. But nothing really ever seemed to stick. That was because he never did a film centered around two divas! And what happened? He nailed it and got a hit movie! Sure it is a paint by numbers film, but Shelley Long and Bette Midler play it to the hilt and really have good chemistry. In the first 20 minutes during some unexpected character building, we see Shelley Long at fencing class, being able to leap the furthest in ballet class and really stink at faking a death scene in acting class. We also get to see Bette Midler scream at just about everyone she comes in contact with and gnaw at every bit of scenery she can get her teeth into. You don't even have to pay close attention to know that all of this will come back somewhere in the film. I kinda wish there was a big red arrow pointing and flashing each time a plot device was happening...but alas. Thankfully, in 1987, they were still making comedies for adults to go see and this film is filthy. It is loaded with dirty talk, swear words, penis jokes and even a hot and steamy fried chicken sex scene between Shelley Long and Peter Coyote.

After Shelley sees her boyfriend, played by Coyote, blown to bits and she delivers one of the best hardcore screams in a film EVER, she learns that he was two timing her with Bette Midler, her nemesis and basic thorn in her side. The two join forces when they both discover that the man in the morgue is NOT their boyfriend( size really does matter when it comes to ID'ing a corpse) and go on a high octane adventure to find out which one of the screeching banshees he loves the most.

Unknown to the gals, the CIA is following them and one of the CIA guys calls it when he looks out the window of his surveillance truck and sees the two ladies having a slap fight and says, "Talk about ding-bats!"

Lots of running, screaming, shooting guns, impersonating cops and general high adventure follows the two as they search for their dream man. But everything changes when they finally catch up with him and he says that he doesn't love either one of them and that he has got them involved in a plot to unleash a chemical called FloraToxic and wipe out the entire state of California. DO WHAT?!!! Wasn't expecting that now were you? HIGH OCTANE!! The ladies learn a little about themselves and form a sisterhood that no man can break and they decide to save the world! GIT IT GIRLS!!!

OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE really benefits from its use of filming on the real streets of NYC and in the desert of New Mexico. It gives the film a grittiness that you don't expect from a film like this and I must say, this film has some of the hardest working stunt doubles EVER! I think about 75% of the movie is stunt doubles and they go full throttle and do a great job of always covering their faces. They even do the scenes of the ladies just arriving to a spot in a cab. Hats off!

By the end of the movie, all the plot devices you saw being developed in the first 20 minutes of the film have all been exhausted to various degrees of execution and the world is save from FloraToxic. Shelley Long graduates from the Royal Academy of Shakespearean Weirdness and Bette Midler learns who Hamlet is.

Outrageous Fortune moves at a neck breaking speed and the two ladies are such fun to watch that you almost hate the movie when George Carlin shows up as a drunk field guide. The movie is on this crazy snowball roll down a hill and Carlin kinda slows it up for about 20 minutes. But you do get to see the girls shop in a ye olde time general store and find form fitting outfits with matching shoes!

It's a pretty safe bet, that Long and Midler hated each others guts while making this film, but it works to their benefit, because the energy between them sizzles. Sadly, there was never a sequel made.....

A true diva action film!
Both Shelley Long and Bette Midler were promised top billing when they signed to do the film. Neither one wanted to give up top billing to the other. So west of the Mississippi River, Long got top billing and Midler got top billing east of the Mississippi.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


It is never a good sign when you get a dvd and there is a warning at the beginning, stating that the movie has been modified to fit your screen. That means that the movie was filmed in wide screen, but the studio didn't even think that anyone would care if it was cropped for standard television. Not a good sign! And for a supposed dance heavy film, a wide screen edition is kinda essential. I guess not in the case of Lambada.

In a half-ass attempt to target the Latino community and ride the wave of Dirty Dancing, the filmmakers tossed together salsa with a sprinkle of D&D (dirty dancing, not dungeon and dragons) and out came Lambada. Now, I don't know which came first, Lambada the movie or Lambada the almost dance craze, but one thing is for certain,this film is dishonest.

For one, the two leads are white. Their skin and hair has been darken for the poster and the dancing is neither Dirty or even Dancing. So their is a girl, played by Melora Hardin and she discovers a hot and saucy club in the wrong part of town. Merlora has some experience with doing some sex dancing, because she played the low rent version of Baby in the TV show Dirty Dancing. A treasure among men. That Dirty Dancing show haunts me! Anyway, she has a fight with her cute BF and is gonna teach him a lesson.

Once in the club, she learns of the forbidden dance and that her math teacher is a total hottie and a master at Lambading (?). She instantly goes into fatal attraction mode and makes his life a living hell. She toys with him in front of the whole student body at school and sneaks into his car, where he basically has to push her out. A real charmer. But, not lucky for us, she has a change of heart when it is revealed that her math teacher is holding nightly classes deep within the club, so a bunch of very clean street kids can get their GED! Folks, these are things that they don't show in the trailer, cuz if you say algebra, most audiences go running. Algebra is never sexy.

Looking a little closer, the movie becomes even more confusing on many levels. One of the main points of disarray is the fact that all the high school students look like they are in their mid-30's. Not 90210 high school students, but Grease old. I know that teens in the 80's look older than teens nowadays, but this is your parents age old. I seriously thought everyone was in college for the first 30 minutes of the movie. Next, is J. Eddie Peck. He is most famous for his role on DALLAS where he stalked and almost beat April Stevens to death. That is an instant HATE in my book. He is tall, darkish, and handsome in a conventional sense. His character is also half-adopted Mexican (his words not mine) and he can't dance worth SHIT!

The film looks like it was choreographed by Kenny Bortega, because it is so flat and life-less. Half adopted Mexican picks up the Girl and tosses her around in the air like a rag doll and performs frottage on her backside. That ain't dancing. Most of the dance sequences involve a lot of up the skirt shots of girls wearing neon thongs over pantyhose. A good look I admit, but it's a little over done. I've seen better dancing at The Cuff. Actually, I seen better dancing at The Crescent. There is a weird sexy fantasy sequence between Girl and Teacher. it is very Liza with a don't. And even if you can get past the less than stellar dancing, the blinding glare of TWO huge Pepsi machines is all you can look at. Like a moth to a flame.

We also get an amazing dance sequence set in the high school. The chapter selection calls it COMPUTER DANCE PARTY and it is exactly that. You have to see it yourself. It really is a treat for sitting through Lambada. Sadly, it happens halfway through the film.

You would think the movie would erupt into a frenzied all dancing, all lambading sexy finale or at least a dance off, because EVERYONE loves a dance off. But Lambada is never predictable. The big finale is a quiz at school between the almost GED'ERS and the school bullies. And all the questions are ALGEBRA questions! Come on! Will the GED'ERS win or will they lose, but learn a very valuable lesson? I ain't telling. One this is for sure, this is the nerdiest dance movie ever made!

Lambada wants to go there with all of its forbidden passions, but chickens out and goes all Stand and Deliver on our asses. Luckily for us, LAMBADA has a shining star that steals the movie. Girl has a best friend who is a lovable 40 year old goof,who passes notes in class and hangs onto her every word. AND she talks through a see through phone! SCORE!

So, the moral of LAMBADA is not to dance your cares away and look good while doing it, but to stay in school. How common.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

HIGH OCTANE: 1900: Bronx Warriors

1990 was a tough year. We had dueling Lambada films, "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler swept the country, Dick Tracy was tanking at the box office, The Persian Gulf war ignited and Jim Henson died. Like I said, tough year. Things were not easy. But if you are to believe that the 1982 film, 1990: Bronx Warriors is accurate in its future predictions, the actual reality of 1990 seemed pretty okay.

The opening scene of 1990:BW had me hook, line and STINKER! Hot guys donned in spandex and roller skates gearing up for battle. Now this is the sort of gang I would end up creating. They are in a turf war with another gang of motorcycle hoodlums and they have a leader! His name is Trash, which gives us continuous gut busting pieces of dialogue whenever someone talks to him. The entire cast LOVES to call him by his name, so a line like, "Get over here" becomes a classic line when said like "Get over here, Trash!" " Hi, Trash. Long time no see!" It is endless. Said Trash has a mullet to die for, a chest made of dreams and nice pair of mom jeans to complete the look.

It seems like not much has changed since 1982 and the rest of New York is pretty much okay, but the Bronx has become a high security risk and has turned into a wasteland of lawlessness and cheap special effects. But one thing that is existed in 1982 that kids STILL have to deal with in 1990 is the poor little rich girl. Ann, just hates being RICH! She can't stand it and decides to leave all the money and SAFETY of NYC and high tail to the Bronx to live a life of eating out of TRASH! cans and riding on the back of motorcycles without a helmet. What a life experience! Bitch! go to Harvard or Europe or something! Naturally, the moment she meets TRASH she falls head over heels in love with the way he tosses her around and demeans her. Romance!

Enter Fred Williamson, dressed as Lando Calrissian and looking good too I might add. He is trying to track down the Gizmo (A Mogwai?) to do something, but it seems sorta lost in the over dubbing and plot points of sitting in 18 wheelers and shooting random people. All I know is that the Gizmo is very important and even Trash wants his hands on it. Fred takes one look at Trash's piece of Manhattan pussy, a nickname he gives Ann, and wants her too, but then he is gone. Most likely to cash his check from the filmmakers before it bounces.

Trash's gang is out of control, but one member won my heart. I didn't catch his name, but he looks like a Village Person and has a little sugar in his gas tank. No one seems to care that he is a Mary and he is able to spray paint the word SHIT backwards, while upside down! That is a good quality to have! A hidden talent if you ask me! The bad guys show up and dish out some TRASH talk and shouts out one of my new favorite cat calls. He takes one look at Trash and yells, "FAG FACE!" Then refers to the other members of the gang as "pissheads" and "turd balls". TOUGH!

An all out gang war erupts with the bad guys, Trash's gang, the spandex/roller skaters and some other guys I didn't even know were in the movie. The first major attack happens in the cleanest dirty tenement slum I have ever seen and there is this super cute couple making out on the stairs. They are making out hardcore and the guy is just getting to third base when he gets shot in the back, but lucky for us cute couple girl survives! Trash and Manhattan Pussy escape and she and Trash have a big talk. She explains to Trash that she has been dead all her live and wants to live! He tells her that we are all born dead. True.

They have a HUGE battle with some Sand Hobos and a big motorcycle crash and calls someone the Biggest SOB int the world! At this point I took pause and tried to figure out just who was who and what was actually going on. I realized this movie isn't very viewer friendly. Then it happened!! Trash has had it and gets mad at a bad guy and pulls out his big Machete and goes to chop the dudes head off. AND THE MOVIE EDITS IT!!! I love a good beheading, but now I think I love a good edited beheading even more. I don't know if the dvd release has the footage worked back in and honestly I don't want to know. I will stick with the Vhs.

There is some STAR WARS rip off plot points. I kid you not and Manhattan Pussy gets "pretty" kidnapped and never gets dirty, or have her make run from all the crying she is doing and her hair stylist must have gotten kidnapped too just so he could work on her hair. Never underestimate the powers of Mr. David. It all comes to a big finale and gets hardcore for like two minutes and there is a party with a Twin Towers cake.

84 minutes sometimes feel like a lifetime when watching certain movies, but this felt like a roller coaster ride. It started off blazing, then flat lined, then back to blazing, then back to flat lining and finally blazing to finish off. But like most roller coasters, 1990: Bronx Warriors makes you feel like you feel the moment you sit down in the roller coaster set and the bar comes down over you and you feel that slight jerk. You know you really shouldn't be doing things like this, but after it is over, you feel so powerful and ready to eat a hot dog.

P.s. I never did find out what the Gizmo was...but I hope it was as cute as this!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

HIGHT OCTANE: Brenda Starr

I have decided that I kinda don't like Brooke Shields. After watching a clip of her talking about her dream of designing her own fur coat this past year, I thought, "You know, I don't have to deal with her." But then I got it stuck in my mind that I wanted to watch SAHARA and that lead me to the darksided world that is BRENDA STARR.

First off, there is SO fucking much going on in this movie I don't know where to start, so I will TRY to start at the beginning. Brenda Starr is a famous girl reporter who gets herself into all sorts of adventures as she tries to investigate hot stories for her newspaper. One of the most famous comic strips of all time, Brenda Starr was ripe for the picking when it came to adapting it for the big screen. First filmed in 1945, then launched as a tv movie with hopes of getting turned into series, Brooke decided that she should have a crack at it. What director, Robert Ellis Miller and a team of four, count em four, writers came up with is a film that is even worst than THE NEXT BEST THING and that is HARD to do.

The movie starts off with a comic strip writer at his table penciling in Brenda Starr's comic strip adventures. High concept, but with the right attitude and script there is a chance is can be pulled off well. It isn't. Suddenly, we are thrust in the comic strip and we follow Brenda, donned in Bob Mackie designed outfits, solving crimes and breaking hearts. We even get a glimpse at her arch enemy, Libby "Lips" Lipscomb. Lips is played by the always wonderful Diana Scarwid and she camps the shit out of her role. Sadly, the director and writers think that her character should be a throw away character and she is sent packing off screen somewhere.

Suddenly, we are tossed back into the real world and the comic strip writer is yelling at Brenda Starr or at least a picture of her and then she starts talking to him. 33 minutes in the movie and Brenda Starr is a trip to hell. The writer gets sucked into the comic strip and is now in Brenda Starr world and has his own comic strip called The Adventures of Mike Randall. I don't know what the fuck is going on at this point. All I know is that i hate this movie so far. He is trying to find Brenda and get her to go into the real world so he can go back or something. He finally finds her and she hates him. She tells everyone around her that he is drawing her and how he yells at her and everyone just accepts it. CUT to the next scene and it isn't a subtle edit either. Very jarring. The movie becomes Horses on a Plane then it is off to the amazon river where the movie morphs into Fritzcarraldo, complete with mad genius, screaming at the cast.

There is some adventure about a formula that turns water into oil and Timothy Dalton shows up sporting a hot eye patch as a romantic love interest. She and Dalton and Mike Randall go all over the world in a mash up of real locations and shitty looking sets. Diana Scarwid shows up in the amazon to drive Brenda Starr crazy and fall in love with a hot pilot, but what is going on is any ones guess.

At an hour and 14 minutes, my brain just gave up and I found myself just staring at the movie waiting for it to be over. It didn't end and I was left thinking, "Whoa, Brooke didn't just get crazy, but she has been crazy for years!" A good A-ha moment.

The finale comes and it will snap you back into life. The entire cast has fallen out of planes and boats and are all floating around the Amazon river. Suddenly, Brenda Starr comes blazing down the river RIDING TWO CROCODILES LIKE SKIS!! I kid you not. I was so shocked I had to watch it again. And then just once more to make sure I hadn't fallen asleep on the couch and it didn't really happen. It did.

The movie finally comes to a screeching halt and ends. Mike Randall and Brenda Starr must say goodbye and it is suppose to be bittersweet, but I just ended up bitter. After it was over I felt used and torn apart inside. It seemed like there was so much to process, yet I felt empty and hollow. i roamed around my house trying to find answers to all the questions I had about Brenda Starr. The more I thought about it, the more I kept coming back to the same conclusion. Brooke Shield so so stunningly beautiful in this film, but if I ever met her I think I would look to Whitney Houston's wise wisdom and say, "KISS MY ASS!"

Saturday, August 14, 2010


Now I love a Mississippi girl. Always will. I always cheer for Miss Mississippi during Miss America, even if she doesn't make the top ten or she screws up her talent section. Mississippi girls gotta stick together. There are tons of famous Mississippi gals. Oprah of course and there is Brandy, Parker Posey and Finn Carter. Finn is kinda under the radar, but was a steady working actor for two decades. Her most noted role was the female lead in TREMORS with Kevin Bacon (hunk! then..) and Fred Ward (hunk then, hunk now!). I always thought she would go on to do bigger and better things, but she stayed just a working actor. But in 1992, all those Finn Carter fans got a wish that would come true. She starred in a film called SWEET JUSTICE and it is just that! SWEET!

Finn Carter plays Sunny Justice. She is a tough gal. She is a championship lady boxer, ex army brat and all around bad ass. She wears a short cropped hair-do and black spandex ALL THE TIME. She doesn't take any shit from anyone and pays the rent by beating the shit out of men in the boxing ring. A very fragile flower of a woman. Her sister on the other hand, Mayor Justice is a very pretty lady with some of the worst acting skills around. Think porno acting and you will understand. Mayor Justice is just that. A mayor of a small californian town called Los Olivos. She is crooked though and is letting peeps dump toxic shit in the town's water for untraceable cash! Very un-justice like if you ask me. And she is having an affair with the town sheriff, played by Marc Singer.

If you are watching a movie and Marc Singer is in it then you know you are in for a good time. Singer never backs down from a role and plays each with a style and vigor that is unmatched. He and Mayor Justice have a torrid sex scene in a barn where Singer takes the mayor on a ponyride. No, not an actually pony! He drops his pants, hoist her up and gently saddles her on. It is just that shocking. Promise. THEN! He proceeds to walk around with her riding him. It is just that shocking. Thankfully, it is over quickly and it was between two consenting adults.

The next day, Mayor Justice gets murdered, Sunny comes back into town for some SWEET JUSTICE! Giving the once over to sheriff Marc Singer, who is no help, she ventures off to see her yoda, played by Mickey Rooney. A movie ALWAYS turns on you, when Mickey Rooney shows up. He gives her some sage advice and then some thugs bust in on his place and we get to witness one of the best examples of SWEET JUSTICE ever. Mickey Rooney gets punched in the face. Everyone WINS!!

Sunny Justice calls her best gal pal and utters eight words that will change the landscape of the film. "I want to put the squad back together!" SQUAD?!!!! Did she just say Squad?!!
Suddenly, tons of girls appear on the screen in various locations around the world. Minds get blown in the montage of all different types of ladies dropping everything and joining Sunny! A weapons expert! a karate master! A bomb specialest! And then it happens. All the girls go to a bar where the last of their squad member works. On stage is a girl with blonde Crystal Gayle hair in a black sports bar and fish nets stockings. With a CHAIR!! She dances to a FlashDance rip off song and works the crowd of blue collar 60 somethings into a mild frenzy. Once the dance is done (it takes a while), she bounds off the stage to the ladies and they start ribbing her about the dancing. She turns to all of them and states, "You think i dance for those people?! When I dance, I dance for myself!" and storms off! AWESOME! She quickly apologized too and all is forgiven and she leaves the stink hole behind.

We get a really good training montage(God bless a montage) and we get some nudity tossed in from most of the girls, including Finn! GIT IT GIRL! This montage really does teach us all the GIRLS RULZ!

The movies blazes ahead with all the girls using their special powers to kill all the bad guys, having a diva showdown with Marc Singer and losing a member(I don't remember which one, but I think it was the drunk one). The ending is bittersweet and everyone learns a valuable lesson about something important and the most beautiful ballad ever called, "The Glory of it all" by Shelly Cameron runs over the end credits.

Sweet Justices does have lessons hidden within the plot and structure of the movie and you don't have to look very hard.
1. All houses in Los Olivos do not ceilingsa and all the interiors look like they were all in the same warehouse.
2. All the floors have pieces of tape to make sure all the citizens hit their mark when they are talking to each other.
3. A dog can kill you if it latches onto your forearm and DOESN'T bear it's teeth. You won't bleed, but you will die!
4. Frank Gorshin looked hot in his Riddler costume back in the day, but sometimes the Riddler suit does make the man.

5. Girlz Rulz!!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


Honestly, I don't like to speak ill of the dead. But once again, I found myself watching another Michael Crichton film. For some reason, he keeps popping up into my life this year and I feel like I might as well just go ahead and watch all of the films he directed, so be prepared. Crichton 5th film is a semi futuristic adventure with Gene Simmons and Cynthia Rhodes named RUNAWAY.

Set in the 80's future, Tom Selleck tries once again to break into a marquee hunk status with RUNAWAY. It seems that in the 80's future all police departments have a special ops robot unit so that if a robot go bat shit crazy, someone will take care of it. It could range from a low level problem like a runaway corn cropper that is played for ucks to a domesticated robot wielding a pistol and going after its host family in what looks like the POLTERGEIST neighborhood. Think Knots Landing, but with robots. Selleck is able to disarm WALL-E, but because he senses that there is more to the story he starts investigating further. And as we have learned with Crichton there is ALWAYS more to the story.

Equipped with a bunch of gadgets and the always beautiful Cynthia Rhodes, Selleck starts putting the clues together and discovers that the robots are out for blood and they have a leader! And that leader is GENE FUCKING SIMMONS!!! People! life is good.

Kristie Alley joins the cast as a sass-mouth, chain smoking femme fatale and proceeds to steal not only Rhodes man, but her leading lady status. Kristi proves just how powerful her crazy is because you kinda forget about Rhodes, which seems to happen to her a lot. Rhodes will forever be remembered as Penny in Dirty Dancing and NO! Johnny did not knock her up. It was that creep, Robby. Rhodes can do it all. She dances, she sings, she acts the shit out of any role she is given and she looks good while doing it. So why does she always get pushed to the back? She makes every single movie she is in better! Rhodes we love you.

Back to the movie. So it turns out that Gene Simmons catches wind of Selleck snoopin' around and thus decides to make his life a living robotic hell. He kidnaps his son and seriously fucks up his domestic robot Lois. As she lies dying in Sellecks arms (FOR REALZ) and is bleeding out oil, she keeps repeating, "Dinner will not be printed!" over and over. Brilliant. Then in the best part of the movie, Simmons unleashes a horde of speed racer robots on the freeway in an evil scheme to kill Selleck and blow up his car! It is a very mildly paced action sequence and all the robots are super cute. RUNAWAY comes to a vertigo inducing climax in a under construction high rise. All very exciting.

Runaway was one of the handful of films that ushered in the PG-13 rating and basically changed all movie obsessed kids lives. It was basically rated R movies for kids. SCORE! And our parents couldn't say shit, cuz the motion picture ratings board said we could watch it and that is all that matters!! HA!HA! Mom and Dad! YOU LOSE!!!

To spice up their rating, Critchon tosses in some good unnecessary nudity (which is the only good kind) in a scene I refer to as "The Ritz Tits". Also we get one FUCK, which is all that a PG-13 movie would allow and Kristie Alley getting zapped over and over again all the while chatting on the phone and smoking cigarettes. I am sure there is a fetish out there for that!

In the end, Crichton proves to us once again that movie goers don't really enjoy medium excitement when they go to the theater nor does Tom Selleck really work on the big screen, but both would get their just rewards soon. And Cynthia would marry Richard Marx and retire from showbiz and Kristi Alley would go into Kristi Alley world and never return to us. And Gene Simmons would continue to rock the world FOREVER! And I can't remember if Tom Selleck gets a new Lois. But I like to think that he upgraded to Gypsy or H.E.L.P.E.R.

Friday, August 6, 2010


After the modest success of his first film, ABOVE THE LAW, America thought it was a good idea to let Steven Seagal make another movie. And everybody WON! Seagal became a household name and movie goers got to see what Kelly LeBrock looked like after Weird Science. Still beautiful, of course. It was like a really good Xmas gift from Steven! THANKS!

"You can take that to the Bank!" is a slogan that will gain more and more importance as the movie continues, so put that in the parking lot for a little while, but don't forget about it. Seagal is a cop with a camera and a tape recorder and he has caught some evidence. But because he can't stop externalizing his inner thoughts (which he does the whole movie) the bad guys are onto him and catch him snoopin'. Able to track him down easily enough and murdering his entire family then leaving him for dead, the bad guys WON! YAHOO!

But like Destiny's Child says, "No, No, No!" Seagal awakens from a coma seven whole years later and no one has aged! Lucky for us Seagal is HARD TO KILL.

Seagal isn't alone though. He has his sexy, sexy nurse, played by Kelly LeBrock, who is one of the most beautiful women in the world if you ask Pantene haircare. For seven years, she has coo'ed in his ear, tickled his toes and basically sexually molested him. When he awakens and spills his secrets to her, she launches into full on GIT IT GIRL mode and bust him out of the hospital in what can only be described as a 9 TO 5 escape scene. LeBrock is a breath of fresh air in this movie and really does add something to the film. The chemistry between herself and Seagal is like cold boogers on a paper plate though. AND they were married when the movie was filmed. They kinda act like they hate each other, which is what i expect if you were married to Seagal for more than two years.

So now in hiding and fully functioning motor skills, The two manage to keep on step ahead of the bad guys, fall in love, have a boring sex scene, get most of the cast murdered and this is all within a one hour time frame. Did I mention that LeBrock is in GIT IT GIRL mode?! She does not stop and even calls herself a moving target! YES! I love moving targets!

I think that the script is suppose to have some humor in it and Kelly does manage to nail a chuckle here and there, but Jesus! Seagal is DOA in the humor department, which sorta is funny in its own way, but not really. His cockiness sure isn't funny and his ponytail isn't funny. BUT then there is the business of him running. To watch him run is comedy GOLD! He looks so uncomfortable and super afraid that his body might "jiggly" a little. I like a little chunk on a man, but if you got it, you better fucking OWN THAT SHIT! Don't play me cheap with black clothes and sucking in your gut and holding it while you try to run. Tighten those abs and hold it, girl! Don't breath! Steven! Let it go! Be free!!!

Everything comes to a slam bang finale when Seagal hears a senator's ad campaign on TV and the phrase "And you can take that to the bank!" Memories flood back and Seagal remembers everything!!! HOORAY!! BAD GUYS LOSE!

Then he utters what is possibly the best line in HARD TO KILL and there are many. "I'm going to find you and kill you and you can take that to the bank! THE BLOOD BANK!!"" KICK MOTHERFUCKING ASS!!! Seagal wins my heart! And he sets his plan in motion to do just that.

Seagal became the stuff of early 90's action lore. With a string of hits and a TONS of direct to video movies, his following is still going strong. Proving that even though his acting is cardboard, his martial art skills are on par with my grandmother and his ponytail never loses its shape, his film career is hard to kill. Seagal went on to lose my heart after Lebrock claimed that he kinda beat the shit out of her and treated her like garbage while they were married. Very charming. It is hard to get on my bad side, but beating up Kelly LeBrock will do it. Who the fuck does that?! ASSHOLE.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


Do you like Montages? I love montages. They usually speed the movie along at a neck breaking speed and fill in a lot of plot and characterization all while the actors try on hats, fall in love, clean a house, learn a new skill or practice for the BIG SHOW. In the first of my film entries deciated to the high octane genre of Action, FEDS proves to the movie going audience that not just one montage is good enough, you need at least three!

They let women in the FBI? When did that start?! Oh yeah, when Rebecca De Mornay and Mary Gross enrolled. Babs De Mornay plays a tough as nails ex-marine who enlist in FBI school to prove something to someone and maybe prove something to herself. What that really is, the movie never expands on it. Mary Gross is the shy, nerdy roomie who knows all the answers to textbook stuff, but needs to pack on the muscle and the heat that being an FBI agent requires. Can the two women help each other out in the male dominated world of FBI school? Can they do it all under 88 minutes and still graduate with honors? I bet a montage here and there will help!!

Pacing is definitely not the problem with this film. It MOVES! ZOOM! Right by you. Things happen, lots of things don't happen, but I promise you will come to a crashing halt once Babs De Mornary gets herself in a pizza eatin' contest! Using her woman powers and a little help from her roomie/teammate/partner/friend she basically cheats and win! Go TEAM! YAY FOR WOMAN POWERS!

Time passes, and the gals are still in FBI school. Things happen. Things don't happen. Babs De Mornay gets an F on a pop quiz and looks shocked. Mary Gross falls in love with one guy, gets over him when Babs gets interested in him, meets a cute FBI nerd and they fall in crush. And they are still in FBI school. BDM has to go on a date and wear a dress! Which leads us to the best scene in the film and the third of many montages. Try on Dress montage!!! Shopping!! BIG MISTAKE!!! HUGE!!! Actually, BDM is less charming than Julia has ever been. She goes on her date and looks amazing after trying on ten or so different dresses for our montage viewing pleasure, but cuts it short when her beau starts reading Mary Gross to flith. SISTERS UNITE!!!

Nothing happens some more, then they graduate and are unleashed onto the real world. It seems like tons of stuff got the once over during editing. Some scenes feel like they were filmed months after the original shoot. Hair changes ever so slightly and everyone seems like they are just going through the paces. The movie really does rest on BDM's shoulders. She treats it like a private benjamin esque type of role. The problem is that BDM really can't pull off the lovable/cute goof. She is a little too intense for that. Her intensity would pay off in a couple of years though, when she fucking nails the character of Peyton in the modern day classic HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE. She comes off kinda awkward and stiff. None of her jokes land right, but none of the jokes are really funny, so there you go. Mary Gross lands her jokes, with a wit and dry delivery and yet the jokes STILL aren't funny.

FEDS makes me feel funny. I want to like it. I really do, but it just won't let me like it. It's too slow for a comedy and too fast for a drama. It is lost in it's own world and I feel like the makers of the film just wanted a cheap ass girl version of POLICE ACADEMY, but all they got WAS a cheap ass girl version of POLICE ACADEMY. If you like being bored to tears and wishing for your life back, then FEDS is for you. But I warn you...when you see the words MAWBY'S BAR, you have only 17 minutes of the movie left and you will suffer for sitting through it. The warning is out there, if you choose to ignore it, then you do so at your own risk.