Thursday, December 2, 2010


I like a movie that gets right down to it. I don't need some big build up and a bunch of boring credits titles. I like a movie that will just plop you down and get it STARTED. In the first two minutes you are tossed an Indy Jones wanna-be set piece, tons of people getting stabbed by swords, but not drawing any blood. Then, you have a dude scream, "I'll HAVE MY REVENGE!" I hated the first one, avoid the third and fourth, but I could no longer ignore Volume 2 in the DEATHSTALKER series.

I love this movie poster. Talk about selling a movie! A little something for everyone. It reminds of the VACATION movie poster. And P.S. the cast doesn't look like the two people on the poster. THEY ARE EVEN HOTTER in the movie! Get your swords ready!!

Jim Wynorski, the mastermind behind the ICONIC film CHOPPING MALL, brings us one of the most entertaining and most fun entries into the DEATHSTALKER series. Filmed on a small budget and dusty set pieces that look to be filmed around Italy, he treats the film like it is a big budget extravaganza with a cast full of heavenly stars. But lucky for us, he is in on the joke. Play it for yuks and it would fail. Play like you are serious and you SCORE! We are quickly introduced to Reena the Seer, played by the very charming Monique Gabrielle. Monique is not afraid to show her boobs and does so just to let you know she will. I always think it is smart to show boobs right off the bat, because that ensures straight boys will watch the whole movie, because if there is a nip slip once, there usually will be one again. Gabrielle comes from the Kate Capshaw TEMPLE OF DOOM school of acting. Just shriek a lot and always play dumb. As a Seer, she isn't very good. To be able to see the future, she can't seem to tell what is going on. She gets called Princess of the Beggars and captured and told that she will get a good beating if she DESERVES IT! She doesn't!!

Happily, help comes in the form of DEATHSTALKER! He comes as a gum smacking, wise ass hottie played by none other than JOHN TERLESKY!!! Who lucky can we get?!!! He stomps in, kicks ass and before saving the Reena, he ask her why he should even bother and barks, "I'm listening!" Then after she explains, he replies, "FIGURES!" smacks his gum and saves her ass.

So for some reason the evil Princess Evie, Monique Gabrielle pulling double duty, wants DeathStalker and The Seer both dead and sends out some assassins to kill them. Deathstalker needs to get Reena home or something and they run across a spooky graveyard shrouded in fog and tombstones. Of course, zombies emerge from the graves and DeathStalker has to kick major ass!
The zombies kinda stand around and wait to get killed, but it is all pretty awesome. If you are familiar with CHOPPING MALL, you will notice that the same background music used when the KilBots roam the mall, is played throughout DeathStalker. I ain't complaining. The assassins show up and are able to capture both Reena and DeathStalker!

Now we discover that not only does Princess Evie look marvelous, but she is also a CANNIBAL and has a couple of Amazon women as her maids in waiting and they will do anything to protect the Princess. Reena is tossed in jail and Deathstalker is put on trial and forced to wrestle Queen Kong, the amazon championship wrestler, played by Dee Booher! The movie turns from insanity to completely insanity, as Terlesky is stripped of all his clothes, sans a loincloth and tossed around the ring for a good ten minutes. All the while smacking his gum and making smart ass comments. GENIUS.

After barely managing to escape Queen Kong, DeathStalker has to battle John La Zar (of Samurai Cop) playing an baddie sorcerer, then has to go face to face with Princess Evie herself, as she morphs into a full on DEMON PRINCESS!! The big finale is so action packed that if you look away you will miss something amazing! We have a marriage, a misplaced erection, the alchemy of strobe lights and Monique Gabrielle having to battle herself in a princess vs princess throw down! CREDITS ROLL!

If that weren't enough, once the movie ends, you get some great bloopers. I am not a be fan of bloopers during the end credits of a movie unless it is SCHINDLER'S LIST or BELOVED, but DeathStalker 2 has a great montage of the cast fucking up lines and walking into things.

My entire life I have shied away from the Sword and Sorcery genre of the early 80's, besides BEASTMASTER and RED SONJA (both masterpieces in their own right) and I never thought I would be interested in watching another one, but leave it to John Terlesky to show me the error of my ways!

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