Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Gay Cinema: TOP GUN

I don't know anything about the Air Force. I take that back. I know two things about the Air Force. 1. My father thought it would be a good idea if I joined up when I graduated high school. 2. I thought this was NOT an option.

TOP GUN was a huge ass hit in the summer of 1986. I couldn't be bothered with it at the time. I was too wrapped up in Poltergeist 2: The Other Side and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I finally watched it back in the day when it came out on VHS, but the only thing i remember about it loving the soundtrack, thinking Meg Ryan was "funny" and there was lots of flying around in it.

As the opening credits rolled, I was pleased to discover that two of my favorite actors, Micheal Ironside and Tom Skerritt, were in it. We are immediately thrust into overdrive and sent to the middle of the Indian Ocean. It is instantly boring, but Kenny Loggins adult contempo/rockin' "Danger Zone" makes just about anything tolerable. At this point we are introduced to a bunch of flying heads with names like Goose, Merlin and Maverick written on their helmets. The helmets are cute. I can't keep up with who is who or what they are exactly doing. It seems that some bad guys, maybe Russians, are in our air space and we have to shoot them out of the sky. After some "Maverick" flying, we finally get out of the air and onto a ship that is home to hotbed of sweaty Sgt. Dad types. They are all chomping on cigars, wearing aviator sunglasses and wearing tight pants. Maybe i underestimated the Air Force, because so far I like it.

We are then catapulted to Mirmar, California AKA Fightertown. Tom Cruise is strapped onto a motorcycle and succeeds in his main mission of the film. To look constantly gorgeous. At the elite Air Force school called Top Gun he is sized up and cruised by Val Kilmer, otherwise known as Ice Man. They explain his name, but I wasn't listening. I was too busy staring at Tom Cruise's old teeth, which were hella crooked, but super dreamy. I understand why he got braces in his 40's. At some point you gotta fix them or you will have tooth problems in the future. But, damn, I love some crooked teeth. Some fellow student remarks that the planes actually give him a hard on. HUH?

Time passes and Tom Cruise and company head over to the townie bar and Cruise hatches a plan that will make any drunk woman swoon. HE puts another dime in the jukebox and sings along to "You've Lost That Loving Feeling". Kelly Mcgillis has caught his eye and he is gonna woo her to death. I really can't tell if it works since the chemistry between them is like a lesbian and a gay dude trying to make it with each other. I do know that drunk douche types tried this all over the world for years after the movie was released. I have unfortunately witnessed it. It is not cute and usually leads to stalking. The next day he discovers that his target at the bar is his TEACHER!!! Oh goodness! Highway to the Danger Zone is right!

There's some hot for teacher action and the soundtrack cock teases us with a few instrumental bars of the Oscar nominated song by Berlin, "Take My Breath Away". Let's discuss this song for a second. It is one of my favorite songs and do you remember when Berlin performed it at the Oscars? She sang it while on a big ass plane! Elizabeth Taylor was in the audience!

Lots of uninteresting things happen to uninteresting people. Meg Ryan's old face shows up to screech and be "funny", but it is short lived. But then Tom Skerritt shows up and the movie gets better for a moment. But it too is short lived. it seems that the only real guideline to enlist into Top Gun School is that you have to hot at all times. Even fucking Anthony Edwards is hot and he is a total nerd. Seriously, like Revenge of the Nerds and E.R. nerd. Jesus, the Volleyball game? Come on! Watching Tom Cruise in just a pair of blue jeans and sunglasses crash over and over into the sand is wet dream material.

Finally, Tom and Kelly do it and we get to hear Berlin's song. Then we have the infamous shower/towel scene with most of the cast naked and posing. You can see dick outlines in the towels. The boys have to go up the air again and battle out some bad guys and then it is over.

This movie is sooo weird. The Nomi/Cristal Connors chemistry between Kilmer and Cruise is seriously unreal. They totally get off on making each other suffer, but have an underlying respect for each other. Well, as much respect as douches can have for each other.

The entire film acts like a recruiting film for the Air Force and the branch did see enlistment skyrocket. It's message is simple. Join the Air Force and you will be sexy. You will get to do arts and farts and crafts to your helmet and get to wear bomber jackets and girls will fall in love with you. Hats off to all the men and women in the Air Force. You go! I am always amazed and proud of people who can do things that i can't and flying a plane while trying to shoot Russians out of the sky is something I can't do. I found myself enjoying the film whenever it was grounded, but the real problem with Top Gun is still the same problem I had with it when it first came out. Too much flying around. AND NOT ENOUGH TOM SKERRITT!!!

It is hard to watch any Tom Cruise film now. We live in a post Top Gun world where Cruise marries people for reasons that seem to not have anything to do with love. He hides his late teenaged kids from the world and infamously made the world fear him after jumping on a couch in front of Oprah. Remember when Oprah and Rosie use to GUSH over Tom almost on a daily basis? They have since stopped. But boy, it sure is nice to see Cruise when he was just a cocky prick with a smoking bod and a killer smile and could rock a pair of tighty whities like nobodies business. DIVA.

1 comment:

  1. In my house, we find this movie most enjoyable if we shout "in your pants" after every male character says something. About 70% of the time, it makes sense. Completely sophomoric sense, but whatever.