Thursday, June 2, 2011


Don't get fingerbanged at the Seattle Center.

I don't get Mark Wahlberg. I was a "Good Vibrations" fan, but that was about it. I wasn't attracted to his body or his charms. I was shocked by just how incredible he was in Boogie Nights and I still love to watch it, but that is where my Wahberg level ends. At last years Academy Award Ceremony he rapped with a reporter on the red carpet and kept giving the crowd a "Thumbs Up". It seemed odd and when questioned by an inquiring mind of the reporter, Wahlberg claimed that he was giving the crowd a big thumbs up for supporting him. He kept his back mostly to the screaming fans, but always flashed a thumbs up. The reporter, like most people, shrugged it off and looked for Gwyneth. That moment has stuck with me for months now and I decided to go to a BadMovieArt alumni for guidance. James Foley, the mastermind behind Who's That Girl?, Reckless, Perfect Stranger and Glengarry Glen Ross (EAT IT HATERS!). Foley had the answer I was looking for. FEAR.

If you are a long time resident of Seattle or a recent transplant, one of the many joys of FEAR (and there are lots) is getting to play "Look for your old apartment" or "Look for where you work" during the sweeping cityscape of Seattle during the opening credits. It's fun. PROMISE! The title cards cut the screen like a knife slicing meat and establishes a sense of "OH SHIT!" Look close...THE KING DOME! OLD SKOOL SEATTLE! CHEERS!

The opening scene is very sexy, as Reese Witherspoon fresh off FREEWAY, but not yet CRUEL INTENTIONS era, takes a long leisurely shower. If you are playing even the slightest attention, you realize she must be up at five in the morning to get ready for school because it seems her parents live in the Three Tree Point area, but she goes to Queen Anne High. So if you want to take a long sexy shower you got to be an early bird! She comes be-booping down the stairs in bobby socks, Mary Jane heels,a frown and an Ally McBeal skirt. Like a sexy 12 year old. With angst! It makes you feel weird. Suddenly, we are tossed hit with two MAJOR clues, so you gotta pay attention. It seems that Reese's dad can run real fast! He is pretty sexy when he runs. DILF through and through. Reese's lil' brother, Toby, learns how to use a dog whistle and their HUGE German shepard comes bounding out of Nowheresville. Reese has the worst step mom EVER! Like, seriously. She is a complete hag. I think she might be mentality disturbed or something. And the fact that she is played by Amy Brenneman doesn't really help the situation. Immediately, I thought, " Toby will save the day."

Reese and her best gal pal, played by Alyssa Milano, who is in pre-CHARMED mode so that means she will show her tits, head to Pioneer Square around 4:00 in the afternoon. They go to hang out in a bar, back in the day when teens could just walk into a bar and smoke as many cigarettes as they please. Reese spies the only gay guy there, in too baggy jeans and his UnderArmor long sleeve black tee TUCKED INTO HIS PANTS. He is playing pool and he is played by Marky Mark himself. Suddenly, he isn't gay and starts to eye Reese. They flirt, meet cute and he begins his plan to get in her pants. The great thing about this scene is the spot on 90's Seattle fashion. It was all the things that I dreamed people were wearing in Seattle before I moved here. Very "Smells Like Teen Spirit". He invites them to a RAVE down on the docks by Occidential where heavies carry Uzis! Lots of fetish POWER STATION/PANACHA realness and OMG! boys kissing! It's CRAZY!

After Sexy Dad and Mean Stepmother rake Reese across the coals because she broke her curfew, they demand to meet this Marky Mark character. He is charming and all smiles, but at the house we first see the tell tale signs that all is not well in the mind of the leader of the Funky Bunch. After a lecture about the curfew, he sets a clock back a hour. Just one clock. But I am guessing it is the family's go to clock. Then, he yells at Reese, "GET ME A COKE!" The entire family gives him the stink eye and it is one of my favorite product placements to be used in a movie.

So, it is off to the Seattle Center Fun Fair for a little toot off the peace pipe and an unforgettable roller coaster ride. As The Sundays cover of "Wild Horses" play, Reese gets finger banged by Walhberg, all while navigating all the twist and turns of the roller coaster. Once my friend had his birthday party at the SCFF and first off, the roller coaster depicted in FEAR in nothing like the actually roller coaster and the birthday boy REFUSED to let me sing "Wild Horses" and finger bang him. It was worth a shot though. Reese is so in love with him after getting finger banged that she gives him the security code to her house (CLUE!!) and the parents announce that they are going to go away for the weekend, leaving Reese and lil' bro, Toby all alone. Walhberg visits and has some sexy time with Reese, but then beat her best gay to a bloody pulp. This is the moment when anyone would break up with him and tell your parents. What does Reese do? Well, she cries and tries to figure out why Marky Mark would beat her best gay to almost death and then stupid Mean Stepmom SIDES WITH MARKY MARK!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! He ain't that cute. They allow him back to their house and have a pool party even though for most of the movie you can see their breath whenever they are outside. But as Mean Step mom emerges from the pool to greet Sexy Dad, she explains, "Don't you just love an Indian Summer". Honey, its November.

Reese goes to meet him at a party in what seems to be Puyallup. Don't ever go to a party in Puyallup. Trust me. She sees Alyssa smoking crack and then getting raped by Marky Mark. So what does she do? She doesn't tell her parents!!! But she eats a lot of chocolate. Alyssa has a freak out when Reese confronts and screams, "You're my only friend!" and turns out a killer performance, but totally sets the scene up for her to be Reese's dead best friend. Marky Mark is busy working on a homemade tattoo across his chest that reads REESE 4 EVA. Reese's best gay is up and walking around so he decides to take a shortcut home through the woods and gets beat to death. FEAR! Marky Mark goes bat shit for REALZ and the big finale involves all the clues you have been collecting through the movie, plus Reese's hair goes from wet to dry to wet to dry and back again and of course, Toby has to save the day, because he is the only with any good sense. His escape and plan to stop Marky Mark is brilliant and IT WORKS!

The movie feels like a slightly dirtier version of a Made for TV movie and in that sense that a bunch of exciting stuff happens in the first twenty minutes, then it levels out into kinda boring, then has a BIG chase scene. Reese went on to become an A list Hollywood celeb and snatched herself an Oscar for playing June Carter and Marky Mark just went on to be Marky Mark. The oddest thing about FEAR is that the highly sought after soundtrack was never released. It is the stuff of motion picture soundtrack legend now. To this day, people still get pissed when you mention FEAR and the non existence of its soundtrack. As far as teen sexy thriller goes, it is pretty much standard, but as far as teen sexy thrillers set and filmed around Vancouver B.C. and Seattle is the BEST!

1 comment:

  1. Haha, that is a hilarious picture of Wahlberg!