Monday, October 25, 2010

DON'T: JAWS 3-D

DON'T GO TO SEAWORLD.

The first JAWS still scares the shit out of me. There I said it. It is fun and bold. It is tacky, yet well done. It runs full blast through the whole movie and you leave it thrilled as fuck. There is the lackluster JAWS 2, but it still has some decent scares and isn't afraid to have a body count. And both are rated PG. The seventies treated kids right! But then we have to deal with another sequel. JAWS 3! And for those lucky enough to see it in select theaters at the time of release you got to see it in 3-D. If you lived in a poorer community or watched it on TV or video, you got the EVEN more awesome JAW 3-D NOT IN 3-D, which is always better in my opinion.


Our first taste of some 3-D action is detached fish head that floats right up to the screen and just lingers there, while I am assuming theater audiences oohed and ahhed at the marvel of 3-D technology. In NOT 3-D, you get to study the fish head from all angles, because you have that much time. Then the credits start and the titles come blazing out at you while a team of water skiers (including a super dumb and charmless Lea Thompson) do tricks. FUN!!!! Joe Alves worked at production designer for Steven Spielberg for years and went on to do art direction for the rest of his career. But he only directed one film and honestly, if I directed one film, I would LOVE to have my name look like this in the opening credits! KICK ASS!


1983 was a great year for mens fashion and I try to model my style after those long gone days of hot camp counselors and horny teens in skinny ties, but who knew SEA WORLD employees would have the best style EVER! The polo shirts are rockin' and the mens bathing suits are the best ever. Not as scandalous as a speedo, but not ugly and boring as the board shorts that have taken over the beaches. They are just the right length and show some leg but without telling you all the secrets. AND it is a known fact that Dennis Quaid (the star of JAWS 3-D) was placed on this earth to make me fucking nuts. How is he this hot? Then and NOW?! It truly does not make any sense. The man is dreamboat material through and through...okay...I'm done. Back to the movie.

WELCOME TO SEA WORLD!!!! It seems the fish institution and tourist attraction's branch in Florida has built a beautiful 30 million dollar exhibit called The Undersea Kingdom. Lucky for us, it isn't real and all just a set, which only means one thing. The motherfucker will get either blown to bits or crumb and mayhem will ensue! I am fine with both. Louis Gossett Jr. the the scheming and evil boss of SEA WORLD and he is really weird. He nails the southern drawl, but he seems to be reading off of cue cards or something. Or he learned his lines that morning over a cup of coffee and just went for it. He is just there. You might think he is going to be super evil, but he is more like a really irritating boss, that everyone listen too when they are around him, but once he is gone they go back to doing whatever they want too.

Playing a dolphin scientist and hot and cold girlfriend to Quaid, is Bess Armstrong. Bess is beloved by millions for two very, very important pieces of work. JAWS 3-D is not one of them, but is quickly becoming a contender for a third spot. Armstrong bedazzled housewives and little gay boys across America when she starred as one of the many leads in the mini series LACE. If you have not seen LACE, you have not lived! And it is true that all three LACE ladies play themselves in teenage flashbacks! JOY!


Bess Armstrong will also forever be locked in my mind frame because of the wonderful portrayal of Angela Chase's mother on MY SO CALLED LIFE. What a brilliant show....Sadly, watching JAWS 3-D, you would NEVER EVER think that Bess would go on to do such high caliber stuff. Did you ever see THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH with Denise Richards? If so, think of Denise's character but with more dolphins! I tend to think Bess knows what she is doing, but she is so annoying that you keep hoping Jaws jumps out of the water and gobbles her up. But does go into the murky depths of SEA WORLD to search for Jaws, but it is kinda dark and boring for the most part. But don't make a sushi joke around her or you will get the stink eye from hell!

One day the underwater creatures start to go nuts. Not like jumping out of the water and attacking patrons, but swimming in fast forward and not giving out wet kisses like they normally do. Something is afoul. Some random throw away character gets eaten and we get to see a floating arm linger around the screen for a little while. Bess and Dennis capture a great white shark and nurse it back to health. BUT!! Something is up, because they toss in an easy kill of two teenish coral hunters and they get eaten! Now how can there be another shark attack when they captured the great white. I'm confused? It doesn't make any sense...unless.....

Unbeknownst to the head of the marine life department, Gossett puts the captured shark on display and it dies in front of a massive ground of people. Bess jumps in the water and tries to help him and Dennis gets into the action too. He emerges with clinging wet jeans....soooo sexy...okay enough of that. So that's the end of the movie. But what about those two dead coral hunters?

The next day, the park is jumpin' jumpin'! The water skiers are in the middle of a high octane show with a stunt Lea Thompson and The underwater tunnels that connect the UNDERSEA KINGDOM are packed with people. All of a sudden this appears!!

OH SHIT!!!! It seems that Bess had a great white alright, but a baby one and now MOM is PISSED!!!! Bess does get to scream, "THE SHARK'S MOTHER HAS BEEN HIDING IN THE PARK THIS WHOLE TIME!!!!". In all her not 3-D glory JAWS mom sets about smashing SEA WORLD to bits and scaring the hell out of everyone. Outside the water skiers are going to town on their act and suddenly there are cloggers! And two of the said cloggers are dressed up like pigs. It doesn't make any sense and is kinda creepy. There is also a beautiful mermaid perched on a ledge waving to everyone. She is my favorite character in the movie. She looks like she is quite possibly the dumbest person to ever work at SEA WORLD and that is saying a lot after seeing this movie. I kept hoping they would show Jaws leaping out of the water and shallowing her. But no luck. For some reason, even though there is tons of mayhem, there is a very low body count in this movie. OH! There is the great fake scare when these three girls are walking through THE UNDERSEA KINGDOM and suddenly an octopus comes alive and wraps one of it's tentacles around one of the girl's waist. It gets too close to the screen and lingers a little too long, but it is funny. And then her friends point and laugh at her. Good times!

So we now have tons of people trapped underwater and Bess and Dennis having to battle it out with JAWS underwater and at night for some reason. But Dennis and his younger brother have a sexy off as they undress to put on diving suits. Oh, yeah Dennis has a brother that is scared of water, but for some reason is constantly in the water. We do get a great shot from inside JAWS mouth and she eats up somebody. Then She blows up and bits and pieces come flying at the screen and float around for awhile. Bess and Dennis hug and the people are rescued and everyone is happy. The end.

I don't understand why SEA WORLD thought it was a good idea to allow the filmmakers of JAWS 3-D to set and film their movie within their compound. Did they think it would attract more tourist? I don't know, but I tell you this, after seeing this movie I wouldn't set foot in this place. The owner is a jerk and the security seems a little lacking. BUT i would fly down there right now if I knew that Dennis Quaid was on staff!! I will take him any day. Preferably in 3-D!!!!

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