Saturday, July 10, 2010


Straight boys rejoice! I get it. I understand. I know why you like this movie. For the gays, this movie doesn't really offer anything. But if you like boys in cars and you like boys in cars that go real fast TWO LANE BLACKTOP is right up your alley.

Director Monte Hellman, delivered a handful of movies, but this one is really the only stand out. It gained cult status within the realm of car junkie and inspired Tarantino to sprinkle shout outs to it in his contribution to the GRINDHOUSE double feature. DEATH PROOF is full of TWO LANE BLACKTOP reference points, from the build of the Death Proof car to Rose Mcgowan outfit, but that is really where the fun stops. Do you like watching guys change a tire? Do you like watching guys pump gas and talk about their car? Then this is the movie for you!

James Taylor plays THE DRIVER and it is hard to imagine that at one point his was a total hottie, but it's true. I now understand why Carly Simon found herself boning him. He is shirtless for the first part of the film and his long, unkempt hair reminded me of a capitol hill hipster. He is a man of the land. More importantly, a man of the highway. His goal in life is to just keep driving. No job. No aspirations. Just keep driving. With his best bud by his side, they travel the country, eating in dingy diners and judging other guys cars. Along the way, they pick up THE GIRL, played by Laurie Bird, in her only role of importantance. She plays the love interest of all the car nerds and they spend the role movie trying to woo her into their cars and jet across the country, promising her a better life, but only able to offer the backseat. " I don't see anyone paying attention to my rear end!" she yells as The Driver commands her to the backseat next to all the car parts and tools. What is ultimately a road picture, the cast spends the movie begging for change and trying to ignore all the extras looking directly into the camera.

THE DRIVER'S new arch is G.T.O, played by Warren Oates. See they call him G.T.O. cuz he drives a G.T.O. clever. Oates is a little road weary and tries to woo THE GIRL to settle down with him, but the call of the road is too strong for him to stop driving. It is all very YOU GOT A FAST CAR.

There is some sort of plot where the boys are in a race to get somewhere, but it was lost on me. I kept wishing the movie would morph into DEATH RACE 2000 and Mary Woronov would speed by and squirt an oil slick out of her car and send the cast into a tailspin and having them crash over a cliff or something. No such luck. By the end of the film, THE GIRL gets her wish and she gets to sit in the front seat of the car, but ends up at a diner where there is a sign posted that reads NO DANCING! The nerve! No dancing while old men are sipping coffee and eating pie! So rude!

TWO LANE BLACKTOP could be improved on if they tossed in a couple of musical numbers, but alas it is always about the car. The finale is desperado city, with THE DRIVER in one final race, but he is keeping on eye on a big billboard and it seems like he just wants to crash into and end it all.

The film is about a lost generation of men that just drive and do nothing else. Oh and it is also about the ugliest green sweater EVER! Oh! and there is an almost hand job from another dude. See gays! There is something for us.

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