Saturday, August 21, 2010

HIGH OCTANE: 1900: Bronx Warriors

1990 was a tough year. We had dueling Lambada films, "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler swept the country, Dick Tracy was tanking at the box office, The Persian Gulf war ignited and Jim Henson died. Like I said, tough year. Things were not easy. But if you are to believe that the 1982 film, 1990: Bronx Warriors is accurate in its future predictions, the actual reality of 1990 seemed pretty okay.

The opening scene of 1990:BW had me hook, line and STINKER! Hot guys donned in spandex and roller skates gearing up for battle. Now this is the sort of gang I would end up creating. They are in a turf war with another gang of motorcycle hoodlums and they have a leader! His name is Trash, which gives us continuous gut busting pieces of dialogue whenever someone talks to him. The entire cast LOVES to call him by his name, so a line like, "Get over here" becomes a classic line when said like "Get over here, Trash!" " Hi, Trash. Long time no see!" It is endless. Said Trash has a mullet to die for, a chest made of dreams and nice pair of mom jeans to complete the look.

It seems like not much has changed since 1982 and the rest of New York is pretty much okay, but the Bronx has become a high security risk and has turned into a wasteland of lawlessness and cheap special effects. But one thing that is existed in 1982 that kids STILL have to deal with in 1990 is the poor little rich girl. Ann, just hates being RICH! She can't stand it and decides to leave all the money and SAFETY of NYC and high tail to the Bronx to live a life of eating out of TRASH! cans and riding on the back of motorcycles without a helmet. What a life experience! Bitch! go to Harvard or Europe or something! Naturally, the moment she meets TRASH she falls head over heels in love with the way he tosses her around and demeans her. Romance!

Enter Fred Williamson, dressed as Lando Calrissian and looking good too I might add. He is trying to track down the Gizmo (A Mogwai?) to do something, but it seems sorta lost in the over dubbing and plot points of sitting in 18 wheelers and shooting random people. All I know is that the Gizmo is very important and even Trash wants his hands on it. Fred takes one look at Trash's piece of Manhattan pussy, a nickname he gives Ann, and wants her too, but then he is gone. Most likely to cash his check from the filmmakers before it bounces.

Trash's gang is out of control, but one member won my heart. I didn't catch his name, but he looks like a Village Person and has a little sugar in his gas tank. No one seems to care that he is a Mary and he is able to spray paint the word SHIT backwards, while upside down! That is a good quality to have! A hidden talent if you ask me! The bad guys show up and dish out some TRASH talk and shouts out one of my new favorite cat calls. He takes one look at Trash and yells, "FAG FACE!" Then refers to the other members of the gang as "pissheads" and "turd balls". TOUGH!

An all out gang war erupts with the bad guys, Trash's gang, the spandex/roller skaters and some other guys I didn't even know were in the movie. The first major attack happens in the cleanest dirty tenement slum I have ever seen and there is this super cute couple making out on the stairs. They are making out hardcore and the guy is just getting to third base when he gets shot in the back, but lucky for us cute couple girl survives! Trash and Manhattan Pussy escape and she and Trash have a big talk. She explains to Trash that she has been dead all her live and wants to live! He tells her that we are all born dead. True.

They have a HUGE battle with some Sand Hobos and a big motorcycle crash and calls someone the Biggest SOB int the world! At this point I took pause and tried to figure out just who was who and what was actually going on. I realized this movie isn't very viewer friendly. Then it happened!! Trash has had it and gets mad at a bad guy and pulls out his big Machete and goes to chop the dudes head off. AND THE MOVIE EDITS IT!!! I love a good beheading, but now I think I love a good edited beheading even more. I don't know if the dvd release has the footage worked back in and honestly I don't want to know. I will stick with the Vhs.

There is some STAR WARS rip off plot points. I kid you not and Manhattan Pussy gets "pretty" kidnapped and never gets dirty, or have her make run from all the crying she is doing and her hair stylist must have gotten kidnapped too just so he could work on her hair. Never underestimate the powers of Mr. David. It all comes to a big finale and gets hardcore for like two minutes and there is a party with a Twin Towers cake.

84 minutes sometimes feel like a lifetime when watching certain movies, but this felt like a roller coaster ride. It started off blazing, then flat lined, then back to blazing, then back to flat lining and finally blazing to finish off. But like most roller coasters, 1990: Bronx Warriors makes you feel like you feel the moment you sit down in the roller coaster set and the bar comes down over you and you feel that slight jerk. You know you really shouldn't be doing things like this, but after it is over, you feel so powerful and ready to eat a hot dog.

P.s. I never did find out what the Gizmo was...but I hope it was as cute as this!

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