Tuesday, August 10, 2010


Honestly, I don't like to speak ill of the dead. But once again, I found myself watching another Michael Crichton film. For some reason, he keeps popping up into my life this year and I feel like I might as well just go ahead and watch all of the films he directed, so be prepared. Crichton 5th film is a semi futuristic adventure with Gene Simmons and Cynthia Rhodes named RUNAWAY.

Set in the 80's future, Tom Selleck tries once again to break into a marquee hunk status with RUNAWAY. It seems that in the 80's future all police departments have a special ops robot unit so that if a robot go bat shit crazy, someone will take care of it. It could range from a low level problem like a runaway corn cropper that is played for ucks to a domesticated robot wielding a pistol and going after its host family in what looks like the POLTERGEIST neighborhood. Think Knots Landing, but with robots. Selleck is able to disarm WALL-E, but because he senses that there is more to the story he starts investigating further. And as we have learned with Crichton there is ALWAYS more to the story.

Equipped with a bunch of gadgets and the always beautiful Cynthia Rhodes, Selleck starts putting the clues together and discovers that the robots are out for blood and they have a leader! And that leader is GENE FUCKING SIMMONS!!! People! life is good.

Kristie Alley joins the cast as a sass-mouth, chain smoking femme fatale and proceeds to steal not only Rhodes man, but her leading lady status. Kristi proves just how powerful her crazy is because you kinda forget about Rhodes, which seems to happen to her a lot. Rhodes will forever be remembered as Penny in Dirty Dancing and NO! Johnny did not knock her up. It was that creep, Robby. Rhodes can do it all. She dances, she sings, she acts the shit out of any role she is given and she looks good while doing it. So why does she always get pushed to the back? She makes every single movie she is in better! Rhodes we love you.

Back to the movie. So it turns out that Gene Simmons catches wind of Selleck snoopin' around and thus decides to make his life a living robotic hell. He kidnaps his son and seriously fucks up his domestic robot Lois. As she lies dying in Sellecks arms (FOR REALZ) and is bleeding out oil, she keeps repeating, "Dinner will not be printed!" over and over. Brilliant. Then in the best part of the movie, Simmons unleashes a horde of speed racer robots on the freeway in an evil scheme to kill Selleck and blow up his car! It is a very mildly paced action sequence and all the robots are super cute. RUNAWAY comes to a vertigo inducing climax in a under construction high rise. All very exciting.

Runaway was one of the handful of films that ushered in the PG-13 rating and basically changed all movie obsessed kids lives. It was basically rated R movies for kids. SCORE! And our parents couldn't say shit, cuz the motion picture ratings board said we could watch it and that is all that matters!! HA!HA! Mom and Dad! YOU LOSE!!!

To spice up their rating, Critchon tosses in some good unnecessary nudity (which is the only good kind) in a scene I refer to as "The Ritz Tits". Also we get one FUCK, which is all that a PG-13 movie would allow and Kristie Alley getting zapped over and over again all the while chatting on the phone and smoking cigarettes. I am sure there is a fetish out there for that!

In the end, Crichton proves to us once again that movie goers don't really enjoy medium excitement when they go to the theater nor does Tom Selleck really work on the big screen, but both would get their just rewards soon. And Cynthia would marry Richard Marx and retire from showbiz and Kristi Alley would go into Kristi Alley world and never return to us. And Gene Simmons would continue to rock the world FOREVER! And I can't remember if Tom Selleck gets a new Lois. But I like to think that he upgraded to Gypsy or H.E.L.P.E.R.

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