Friday, August 6, 2010


After the modest success of his first film, ABOVE THE LAW, America thought it was a good idea to let Steven Seagal make another movie. And everybody WON! Seagal became a household name and movie goers got to see what Kelly LeBrock looked like after Weird Science. Still beautiful, of course. It was like a really good Xmas gift from Steven! THANKS!

"You can take that to the Bank!" is a slogan that will gain more and more importance as the movie continues, so put that in the parking lot for a little while, but don't forget about it. Seagal is a cop with a camera and a tape recorder and he has caught some evidence. But because he can't stop externalizing his inner thoughts (which he does the whole movie) the bad guys are onto him and catch him snoopin'. Able to track him down easily enough and murdering his entire family then leaving him for dead, the bad guys WON! YAHOO!

But like Destiny's Child says, "No, No, No!" Seagal awakens from a coma seven whole years later and no one has aged! Lucky for us Seagal is HARD TO KILL.

Seagal isn't alone though. He has his sexy, sexy nurse, played by Kelly LeBrock, who is one of the most beautiful women in the world if you ask Pantene haircare. For seven years, she has coo'ed in his ear, tickled his toes and basically sexually molested him. When he awakens and spills his secrets to her, she launches into full on GIT IT GIRL mode and bust him out of the hospital in what can only be described as a 9 TO 5 escape scene. LeBrock is a breath of fresh air in this movie and really does add something to the film. The chemistry between herself and Seagal is like cold boogers on a paper plate though. AND they were married when the movie was filmed. They kinda act like they hate each other, which is what i expect if you were married to Seagal for more than two years.

So now in hiding and fully functioning motor skills, The two manage to keep on step ahead of the bad guys, fall in love, have a boring sex scene, get most of the cast murdered and this is all within a one hour time frame. Did I mention that LeBrock is in GIT IT GIRL mode?! She does not stop and even calls herself a moving target! YES! I love moving targets!

I think that the script is suppose to have some humor in it and Kelly does manage to nail a chuckle here and there, but Jesus! Seagal is DOA in the humor department, which sorta is funny in its own way, but not really. His cockiness sure isn't funny and his ponytail isn't funny. BUT then there is the business of him running. To watch him run is comedy GOLD! He looks so uncomfortable and super afraid that his body might "jiggly" a little. I like a little chunk on a man, but if you got it, you better fucking OWN THAT SHIT! Don't play me cheap with black clothes and sucking in your gut and holding it while you try to run. Tighten those abs and hold it, girl! Don't breath! Steven! Let it go! Be free!!!

Everything comes to a slam bang finale when Seagal hears a senator's ad campaign on TV and the phrase "And you can take that to the bank!" Memories flood back and Seagal remembers everything!!! HOORAY!! BAD GUYS LOSE!

Then he utters what is possibly the best line in HARD TO KILL and there are many. "I'm going to find you and kill you and you can take that to the bank! THE BLOOD BANK!!"" KICK MOTHERFUCKING ASS!!! Seagal wins my heart! And he sets his plan in motion to do just that.

Seagal became the stuff of early 90's action lore. With a string of hits and a TONS of direct to video movies, his following is still going strong. Proving that even though his acting is cardboard, his martial art skills are on par with my grandmother and his ponytail never loses its shape, his film career is hard to kill. Seagal went on to lose my heart after Lebrock claimed that he kinda beat the shit out of her and treated her like garbage while they were married. Very charming. It is hard to get on my bad side, but beating up Kelly LeBrock will do it. Who the fuck does that?! ASSHOLE.

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